Day 58 - Today I am grateful for....the END of 2010

OMG. What a horrible year.

Lost Love. Lost Friendship. Divorce. Turning 30. Financial Hardship. Devastation. Loss. Pain. Heartache.

For me 2010 was just as horrible as its twin Brother, 2009.

There were definately some joys, don't get me wrong.....

I was ecstatic for my friends who got engaged this year. I'm loving the new friendships formed and the old ones made stronger. I'm thankful for people's patience with me. I'm endlessly grateful for the support from family and friends. I'm delighted with my sustained 20kg weightloss. I'm in love with the renovations of MY home.

But despite that, and the fact that I'm trying to be grateful every day, I just feel an emptiness in my heart all the time. I put on my smile and hope that if I pretend for long enough, the reality will come.

In truth, hope is ultimately a waste of time. All the wishing in the world will not bring back anything I've lost. My prayers remain unanswered. My heart remains hollowed out. My reality is where I sit right now.

And so I look forward to the opportunities in 2011. My 31st year. Let it please be better than the last couple. I've got some things I'd like to achieve this year and so many fabulous things to look forward to. So bring it on!

So today, I'm grateful to be saying goodbye to a tough year. And hello to a brand new one!

When God closes a door, somewhere he always opens a window....

Day 57 - Today I am grateful for....a shoulder to cry on

Another horrible day.

Gosh, it must be just one of those months I reckon.

Today was especially hideous. I actually cried. It's been a long time between tears I guess but today was just not a good day.

So I went looking for my Mum and I just cried and cried.

My Mum is just such an amazing lady. I don't know what I'd do without her. My voice of reason. My sounding board. My font of neverending advice. She just hugged me and it was the only thing I needed or wanted.

I barely even know why I was crying. So many reasons, so many tears. Mascara smudged all down my face, swollen red eyes and just so much pain. Somehow Mum's just know what to say and how to make you feel better. Mine does at least.

Even she says that I must have run over a truckload of chinamen! Not just one.

So today, when I'm really struggling for things to be grateful for, I'm thankful for her. And an unconditional loving shoulder to cry on. I love you Mum xxx

Day 56 - Today I am grateful for....simplicity

Today I've decided to preempt something that I'd like to be grateful for....simplicity.

Take it as you will but honestly, I'd really like my life to be simple. I don't want pain in my heart. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want the memories of love lost. I don't want to be treated poorly. I don't want to feel insignificant or lonely. I don't want to feel so empty inside all of the time because I'm so focused on helping other people, that I forget to take care of myself.

So I'm going to make sure that one of my New Years Resolutions, is just that. Simplify. Simplify. Simplify.

I don't need complications. Not in life. Not in love. Not in finance. Not in friendships. Not in health. Not in lifestyle. Not in ANYTHING. And really, the only person who can achieve that is me.

I want to be able to go to work, come home, give my kids a cuddle, do my blog, and go to bed - each day. I don't really care how boring that might sound to an outsider. I believe wholeheartedly that that is what I need, at least for a little while.

I'm tired of the drama that I create for myself. I'm tired of problems. I'm tired of being the person that everyone downloads on. I'm tired of worrying all the time. I'm tired of myself and who I am. I'm just tired. I want to enjoy my simple existence and learn from it. I need to get back to the basics and find myself again.

So often, my heart hurts for the people in my life. So many times, I wish I could take their pain away for them. So many times I wish I could fix every problem, every time. And sometimes I just can't. But there's no one to fix my problems. No one to take away my pain. No one to ask if I'm OK. In truth, I focus on other people's problems, so that I don't have to think about my own. I become so ensonced in people's lives that I forget to live my own. I've forgotten who I am. I'm not sure I ever really knew?

I very often feel like the worst Person / Friend / Daughter / Sister in the world. I try to please so many people, often all at once, that I end up letting someone down. I try very hard not to but it happens. I don't want to be that person. I try so hard to be that one person who makes a difference in someone's life, no matter how small, that I forget to make a difference in my own life. How can I possibly expect to be loved and nurtured when I don't love and care for myself?

I don't want to sound ungrateful for, or dismissive of, the countless special things in my life. I really don't. Because I am. I have a wonderful family and many amazing friends. I am employed and I own my own home. I have beautiful pets and I am healthy. But I believe that for me to truly appreciate what I do have, then I need to really take stock of what is important, and what just isn't. I need to learn how to not sweat the small stuff.

So, from here on in, I vow and declare that I will simplify my life. Perhaps if I step back a little bit, I'll find out who actually comes looking for me. I'll find out who actually cares about me and who doesn't. Perhaps it will be a hard lesson for me to learn? Will anyone come looking for me? We'll see. Either way, I'll hopefully find the me that was lost a really long time ago...

But for now, I'm pre-empting a grateful that I forsee in my immediate future. Simplicity. Sold.

Day 55 - Today I am grateful for....an afternoon at Heaven's Gate

What a lovely day I've had today!

I had a big sleep in this morning.....my goodness I needed it.

Then I watched a movie, changed my loungeroom around and called my friend, Andrea.

"Come on down!", she said. And so I did.

Afternoon Tea at Heaven's Gate....aka Murphy's Creek. Who could have asked for a better way to spend the end of your day?

  

I just love spending time at Andrea & Paul's. It's like a second home to me and they are my second family. I've kind of made them adopt me and we literally spend so much time together. Occasionally, I worry that I am encroaching on their family time, but I'd like to think that if I was, they'd let me know.

Murphy's Creek is a really beautiful little town down the range a little way. I don't know how to actually describe where it is because my car just kind of drives there. But it's always green, and the birds chirp and the frogs croak. A gentle breeze blows as we drink coffee on the deck and look out on the beautiful view of the mountains. There are animals everywhere at their beautiful old homestead and there isn't another place on earth beside my own home and my parent's home, that I feel so safe and loved.

We've shared some really wonderful times together in the last 12 months and honestly, one of my favourite things to come out of my messy breakup, was my friendship with Andrea. We would probably never have become as close as we have without it.

She is such an amazing woman. So strong and independent and loving. I love every hair on her head! There is never a silent moment between us. Ever. We talk and laugh and sometimes cry. She's an amazing cook and we enjoy many family dinners together. We are kindred spirits and I believe are destined to be friends forever.

In fact there are a couple of close friendships that I've developed in the last year that would never have happened if I'd not been through the pain I have. Would I have opened my heart to those friendships and leaned on people as much as I did if I hadn't? Probably not. And as my girlfriend, Ronnie said to me "I'd make you go through every second of the pain again, for us to be friends, because I value our friendship too much to not have you in my life." And she's right.

I'm very fortunate to have the people around me that I do. The real friendships that I value so much.

And so today, I'm so grateful for a lovely afternoon with one of my best friends, her family and their beautiful home at Heaven's Gate. As close to Heaven as we can get on earth. Love you xxx

Day 54 - Today I am grateful for....a second thought

For the last 2 days I've been obsessing over buying a new computer.

The one I have is leased, and it is literally the most useless arrangement that I've ever willingly entered myself into.

What kind of imbecile knowingly signs a contract for $100 a month, for four years for a laptop worth $2000, at which time at the end of it, I will not own outright? Me. What a complete loser.

Meanwhile, not only have I entered into the worst contract in the world, but I managed to purchase / lease the worst computer in the world. I've replaced the ram and the motherboard myself in the last 12 months. And now the sound isn't working at all and every so often, it just won't let me type anymore. I then have to turn the stupid thing on and off a thousand times before it works again. I just don't know what I was thinking.

The new computer I want is a touchscreen desktop and comes with a bonus camera. Which would be awesome! I'm wanting to study photography this year and the bonus camera is a digital SLR. All systems point to go but on second thoughts, I just cannot afford it.

If and when my housemate moves out in a few weeks, I'll be on my own again and struggling to survive. Can I really justify an extra $120 a month which I don't have for something, that I really don't need? Probably not.

Oh it would be so lovely though. A computer that actually works. What a treat!

But for now, I need to trust my instincts and use my brain, instead of following my heart, which we all know I'm want to do, so that I don't make a poor judgement.....again. I cannot afford a new computer and so I'm not going to stress myself out by putting myself into financial hardship again. Not this time.

So today, I'm grateful for second thoughts. Nature's way of protecting against a poor decision, even when you don't want it to be so.....

Day 53 - Today I am grateful for....NOT having a Credit Card

I'm not going to lie. I'm pretty hopeless with money. Hence, I don't have a credit card.

Well, even when I did the stupid thing was maxed out anyway but when it comes to Boxing Day sales, it would have been nice to be able to go for a sticky at least.

But I stayed home for most of the day instead.

This afternoon, I went for a little tour of Toowoomba with Mum and my Aunty Julie (who wants to move here) and then we went to Grand Central for lunch. Surprisingly, it wasn't nearly as feral as I'd imagined. In fact, it was quieter than a normal Saturday. No pushy people flying past desperate for a bargain. No tired or stressed out shop owners. And really, not too many people walking around with armfuls of purchases.

Let's be honest though, do you really save that much at the Boxing Day sales? I don't really know. I doubt it.

I don't know that I could have really coped with the people today though so I'm pretty glad we didn't go early.

I picked up a couple of things but what I really want and need is a new computer. That isn't looking particularly likely unfortunately for me.

If I had a credit card, I think I could have made a real mess for myself though, which I probably would have regretted for many months to come. It's hard enough trying to keep my head above water without paying for things that I don't reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllly need.

So to keep it short and sweet today, I'm grateful that I don't have a credit card and can't make things harder for myself than necessary. The end.

Day 52 - Today I am grateful for....Family Christmas

Today is Christmas Day and I'm not going to lie, but it doesn't really feel like Christmas. I'm not sure why, but it just doesn't. I'm not the only one who has made that comment this year so it's not just me being melodramatic....

Whilst a bit of a downer, it is however, the one day of the year, that we all get to catch up and eat and drink and laugh.

This year was especially great as I got to meet my new Nieces, Sasha & Zoe - cute! We've never had short people at our Christmas before. It's usually just Mum, Dad, me and occasionally my Aunty Julie. More recently, we have been joined by my Brother, Andrew & his wife Stacey. And this year, we were plus two more! What a treat.

I love spending time with my family. My Mum is the most amazing cook in the world, so our Christmas looked like this:

It was awesome!

We all ate too much and had a fabulous time. Where else in the world can you go and spend time with amazing people and get spoilt (for no real valid reason), to celebrate someone else's Birthday? We managed to catch up on a whole year in a matter of hours, while trying to control two very mobile toddlers! No mean feat....

I was extremely spoilt by my parents, my family and several of my friends. Whilst I appreciate the gesture and the time put into to giving me so many special things (which I don't expect), what I love the most about Christmas is watching the people I love open the treasures that I found for them. I try really hard to make sure that the gifts that I give mean something and have thought attached and whilst I might not be able to always afford the biggest and the best, I do what I can. At the end of the day, it really is the thought that counts. And frankly, if you could box up all the love that I feel for my family and friends....well you would just never find a box big enough.

It was a fairly bitter sweet day today though. So many emotions and memories flooded through me. I awoke alone in my bed, again. I guess when I closed my eyes last night, I vaguely hoped that Santa would bring me the most precious kind of gift......the end of a very long and horrible nightmare. Alas, it was not to be and I woke up to Christmas, the same way I do every other day. Alone. I half heartedly attempted to clean my house, expecting to feel some kind of something but that didn't come either. I put on some Christmas Carols to perk myself up but that kind of failed too so I put together a couple of platters, kissed my kids goodbye and headed over to my parents for lunch. And although greeted with many hugs and much excitement, the emptiness in my heart just didn't really lift.

I bumbled though the day, playing with the kids and smiling and chatting and laughing but my heart really wasn't in it.

But tonight, I sat down with my Mum, Dad & Aunty Julie to watch Anne of Green Gables (my favourite movie), and I felt better. I felt calm and content. Although I feel alone, I realise I am not. And as I said to a girlfriend of mine, who had fairly similar feelings about today, it's times like today that it's so important to remember the people in our life who do matter and who love you so much. And the people who don't care, don't matter. And so I bid farewell to sad memories until next year. I hope that the pain in my heart will have lifted sufficiently by then for it to feel like Christmas again. I hope that enough time will have passed that the burdens of Christmases past will be a very far distant memory, with only new and happy ones to take their place.

So today, I'm so grateful for special time spent with family and for a very Merry Christmas xxx