Day 117 - Today I am grateful for....a new outlook

You know, it's funny what happens when you change your thinking.....The black cloud lifts, the mood lifts and ultimately your attitude lifts.

As I have mentioned previously, I'm not depressed. Bordering on sad maybe. Lost - yes. Frustrated - definately. Stressed - absolutely. Overtired - collosally. And it's all of these that makes a girls brain turn to mush. Oh the tears! The hysteria. The haze. Blah.

But honestly, enough is enough. So, today marked the start of some big things that I have planned for myself this year. There are so many things that I want to accomplish and things that I want to learn. I'm almost excited I think??

I won't say that I've made goals so much as plans. I always fail at reaching goals. Mostly because I make goals so unachievable that I set myself up to fail!

I believe baby steps are the way to go and I've made some big plans for myself.

There's a lot to be said for the things that sleep does for the body, soul and mind. I've been trying to get some rest and it's amazing how much clearer the world seems when you aren't wired for sound.

I think it's the rest that my poor little body had been lacking, that ultimately sent me crashing down in a big heap. And I recognise and acknowledge the things I need to do to make my life easier and better.

Long gone is the pining for someone else in my life to fill the hole that my beloved Husband left. You'll possibly note that I speak of him fondly at the moment. And that is because no matter how much I try to pretend that I am glad that he left, I'm not. I miss him terribly and what is the point in denying the feelings in my heart? There isn't any. And so, until I do finally get past the loss I feel, there is no point in holding onto / pretending a bitterness that really doesn't exist. The anger and hurt remain, but I have to feel it. And ultimately, I have to forgive myself. All the feelings really go hand in hand. And so I truly believe that in order for me to move forward, then I must feel what I feel and learn to live with it.

I refuse to pretend to be something or someone that I'm not. I will not be replacing or filling the hole that I feel in my heart with a 'fix it' man. I must learn and grow and discover. Only then will I know true happiness, within myself and with someone else.

I am going to finish my course, I am going to become a JP, I am going to learn sign language and I am going to do a photography course. I will be sorting out my house and clearing out the clutter. I will be working towards another overseas holiday. I will be spending more time at home and less time out. I will be eating healthier and attempting some exercise. I will be quitting smoking. I will be sorting out my garden and attempting to grow some flowers. I will be spending more time with my Mum and Dad. I will be working hard and being the best employee that I can be. I will be sleeping more and stressing less. I will be spending less and saving more. I will be doing things I want to do and learning to say no. In short (or long in this case) - I'm off to find myself.

So here I am, grateful for my new outlook on life. Grateful for sleep and a clear mind. Go me!

Day 105 - 116 - These days I was grateful for....learning Patience

Here we are again....long overdue for a grateful blog.

It's been a tough few days. My emotions have been all over the shop and I've really struggled to find something in my life to be thankful for.

So many people have said to me, get back to your blog and pull yourself together. And, well, they're right.

But I've lost my way & I've lost patience. Patience with friends, family, work, my pets and worst of all...myself.

I'm overtired and irritable. I've been horrible to be around and am snappy and short. I cry a lot and I'm not sleeping properly. I'm in a collosal amount of pain and I just don't feel like me.

I'm not depressed. I'm not angry. I'm not sad. I'm just not anything at all. An empty shell of my former amazingness.

But really, at the end of the day, the only one who can get me out of my rut is me.

And so today, after 12 days of sulking and feeling ungrateful, I got out there and did some things for me.

I cleaned my car and completely sorted my office. It's a small step towards sorting out my life.

Call it baby steps, call it whatever you like, but it's a start. There are many steps to go but I've made my first one and that's what counts. And a journey starts with one step.....

I feel a little bit more together and after a really good chat, spa and dinner with my friend Brendan tonight, I'm looking forward to tomorrow. I'm looking forward to some goals that I've made for myself and the new leaf which I'm turning over.

Miracles can take some time but I'll never see them and bask in the wonder of them if I continue to stick my head in the sand and hope it all goes away.

And as my Mad Doctor told me a few weeks ago, it's time for me to get a life. So....I will.

But for now and for today, I'm grateful for patience. I'm grateful for people being patient with me while I pull myself out my own self misery and I'm grateful to have learned some patience during this slight diversion from my ultimate grateful goal.

Grateful....again....finally :-)

Day 104 - Today I am grateful for....my winning scratchie!

I won $8 on a scratchie that I received for Christmas. Go me!

Meanwhile, I was down to my last couple of cents and was booked for a coffee date with Anzelle tonight....oh no! What to do? Oh yes, cash in my uber-awesome prize!

And thank goodness - it would have been awful to go for coffee and not have been able to actually afford a coffee. The shame of it!

My friend BK kindly took said scratchie to the newsagency to cash it for me this afternoon, bless her, she's so good to me :-)

So today, I'm grateful for my winning scratchie, my kind friend and for being able to afford a coffee xxx

Day 103 - Today I am grateful for....feeling special

Today was Valentines Day.

Normally, I am vehemently against all things "love" bound. Especially Valentines Day.

It's like a commercialised way of being punished and a very cruel reminder that you are a failure as a wife, girlfriend and woman. I hate it.

I wasn't looking forward to it at all.

Nothing says "ha ha, you're alone", more than the vomit-worthy explosion of roses, chocolate and hearts that adorn everything that you see in the month prior to February 14th.

In short, I would rather have crawled up in bed all day...alone.

But, rather I was uber-spoilt instead!!

Firstly, this was waiting for me on my desk this morning from my darling Karissa....

My very own cupcake and my fave coffee - what a treat. This girl knows me far too well :-)

Secondly, this awaited me when I got back from my lunch break from my gorgeous Georgie Girl....

A sexy man with my name on his undies and my favourite kind of flower....the red rose. Bless!

Then....the surprise of my life from a very dear old friend and my first love....

3 dozen red roses, a bear named Burt and a balloon. Words can't even describe it. I was shocked to say the least.

Then lastly, whilst enjoying my Valentine's dinner date with my girl, Ronnie, I received this....

A yummy chocolate rose....nom nom nom

It's been a really long time since I've been made to feel so special.

And it got me to thinking - who cares if I'm alone, in terms of a man in my life? Ultimately, it's the love of a friend that is unconditional. I have the most amazing friends in the world. The kind that would die rather than see me with a broken heart or a tear in my eye. The kind that will move mountains to make sure that I feel special on a day that would invariably render me catatonic.

So to those people who made me feel so special and loved and important today, thankyou from the bottom of my heart. And to the others who make me feel special and loved and important every other day, thankyou too. I love you x

Grateful.

Day 92 - 102 - Today I am grateful for....not being grateful

So I'm not going to lie - I'm clearly a little bit of a failure at this whole being grateful stuff.

I'm sorry that I've let people down. I know that there are some people who have really been enjoying my blog but I just haven't been able to muster my enthusiasm for it. To those of you that are disappointed, I'm sorry.

But these few days hiatus that I've taken have been much needed.

I've had some rest and done some nice things. I guess there have been some things that I really should have been grateful for but it's a little bit hard to to find joy in your life where there is none.

I guess that is the whole point of this adventure I have undertaken. To find something wonderful in each day and I feel like I have failed at even that at the moment.

I know that it's up to me to bring joy back into my life. It just feels like everything has been going wrong and life just is miserable.

Each day, my friend Tiff sends around a "Thought for the Day" to motivate and inspire people. Last week the following was sent to my email:

Now is the time to live to fight another day. The temptaion is to always fight to the bitter end. But sometimes it is wiser to take the longer view. When a situation is irrepairable, or the circumstances have changed dramatically, it may be better to cut your losses. Acknowledge the mistake. Learn the lesson. Salvage the position. Live to fight another day.

Better to lose the anchor, than to lose the whole ship.

A man should never be ashamed to own he has been in the wrong, which is but saying....that he is wiser today than he was yesterday.

You can't have a better tomorrow if you are thinking about yesterday all the time.

I don't think anything has ever rung so true to me before. There are some things that I have been fighting so hard to keep in my life that I've stopped living. Searching for forgiveness that is likely never to come.

In truth, I need to forgive myself. Because while I wait and wait and wait, I'm not learning and I'm not healing. I'm wishing I could change things that I cannot. Enough. So let's just see if I can't find my "grateful" again. Let's see if I can find that grateful every day. Let me find joy.

But let me be grateful today for not being grateful because it has reminded me of what I'm trying to achieve here. It has jolted me back out of my misery and into my thoughtless admiration of all the good things in my life.

So here's to trying again. Grateful!

Day 91 - Today I am grateful...that I'm a Queenslander

As Cyclone Yasi bears down on far North Queensland tonight, I can't help but wonder what on earth we've done to deserve this?

Surely, we've been through enough this year? 2011 is only 33 days old for goodness sake! And already we've seen the merciless hand of Mother Nature tear through our beautiful state with wreckless fury...

But you know what? If anyone can get through all of this WE can.

We're Australian. We're Queenslanders. We're born tough. And we will rally. Grateful.

Yes, it will take time. Yes, there will be more devastation and carnage and potential loss of life. All we can hope for at the moment is that there is as little as possible. But whatever happens, we WILL get through it. Because we are the strongest and most resilient country in the world. And we look after our own.

And so for tonight, my prayers and thoughts are with those in North Queensland. May God hold you in the palm of his hand....

Day 90 - Today I am grateful for....making it through the day

I slept horribly last night. In fact I dispute that I even actually slept.

I tossed. I turned. I was hot. I was cold. I was thinking. I was crying. It was just a horrible night.

Normally I could sleep on a rose bush but not last night. I was wide awake....thinking.

I've been really hurt by some people in the past couple of days. People I thought were some of my closest friends.

I'm sure that they still are my friends but I'm not feeling it. I guess I just don't understand. I keep forgetting that I am different to other people and I'm let down frequently.

Unfortunately, I'm feeling like I'm being lied to as well and I'm not loving it.

I feel disappointed and hurt. Make no mistake, I'm not perfect, nor have I ever claimed to be. I have hurt and disappointed people myself, very recently even and my heart aches every day for the pain I've caused to them. And I can't fix it. But this is different again.

Different people. Different situation. And I can't control this one.

I'm also wound up tighter than a snare drum as my divorce is due to be finalised tomorrow and I'm missing him terribly...still.

And so my brain fights the battles of the world and the battles of my heart....in my sleep.

My mind ticked over and over about what I might say. And even still today I didn't get the chance.

It was a really long day. I'm feeling helpless and overwhelmed and like I'm letting the team down at every turn. And that's only work. Imagine the chaos in my heart?

So for today, I'm grateful that I actually made it through the day without falling sleep or worse (read: mumbling mess in the corner....rocking because I have finally lost my mind)

Grateful!