Day 89 - Today I am grateful for....laughter through tears

Laughter through tears is my favourite emotion.

One of my closest girlfriends has been going through a really tough time recently.

I've never felt more helpless in my whole life.

There are some times in a friendship where you wish you could take away the person's pain. Even for one minute. At least for that one minute, they wouldn't hurt anymore.

My heart just breaks for her.

But she smiled today and she even had a little laugh. So even for that very brief moment, her heart had let go of her pain. And no matter how fleeting that feeling was for her, it was there none the less.

And my heart was overjoyed! Call me sentimental but is there anything better in the world than laughter through tears?
Grateful x

Day 88 - Today I am grateful for....excited brides-to-be

Today marked the Preston Manor Wedding Expo.

When I stumbled across the brochure, I quickly passed it onto Karissa, Vicki & Megan - the three remaining brides to be for this year, who I am blessed to have been asked to be bridesmaid for.

It happened to fall on a Sunday which I had off and so we all ventured out.

Not everyone was able to make it (bridesmaid wise) but the brides did and that's the main thing.

It was a bitter sweet day for me.

I was so chuffed to look at my girlfriends and watch their brains ticking over at the endless possibilities for their perfect day. I watched them smile politely and chat and laugh and look and touch and breathe their special days. It was lovely.

I watched hundreds of girls file through the expo, and they were all so thrilled to be there. There were photographers and wedding dresses and cake makers and beauty therapists and musicians. It was a little bit overwhelming and I had wondered if it would bother me but it really didn't.

But there is the tiny little part of me that remains sad, no matter how hard I try to keep it at bay. That niggling little part in my brain that contains memories of happier times, and the question of if it will ever happen again for me?

I couldn't even tell you if there is hope in my heart at this point. It's still very much healing and so I choose not to even let my heart or my head go to that place for fear of continuing to try live a life that doesn't exist for me anymore.

I can honestly say that I am finally OK with wedding planning. It was hard at first but I'm getting used to it. It's not so much the in your face reminder of happiness and love that bothers me, as much as the in your face reminder of the loss of my actual marriage.

It would be fairly accurate to say that this is a difficult challenge that I have chosen to undertake this year but frankly, if there was another way to truly put my fears and pain to rest, then I can't think of one?

I shouldn't be scared to share this time with my friends. I shouldn't be worried that they will notice if a flicker of pain crosses my heart. They are my friends. And they will love me anyway.

I loved every second of my wedding. I had everything that I wanted. It was a perfect and wonderful day. The only thing I would have obviously potentially changed, would have been who I married. Cest la vie.

For now, I choose to live vicariously through my girls. Their hope and excitement. The love that they share with their respective fiances. I know that they will have perfect days - each of them and I can't wait!

Grateful x

Day 87 - Today I am grateful for....lawn mower fuel!

So I had a bit of a shocker today.....

I was running low on fuel but I had an errand to run directly after work, so I thought I would do it after.

Whilst dropping off keys, I left my car running while I was parked in the driveway chatting and the unthinkable happened.....I ran out of fuel and the car kind of stopped running. He didn't notice. I did.

OMG.

The mortification of running out of fuel in the driveway of a virtual stranger. **cringe**

I didn't really let on and kept chatting. We said our goodbyes and I attempted to pull out of his very steep driveway.

I was praying that I had enough fuel to get me to a fuel station. Epic Fail.

I didn't even have enough fuel to pull out of the driveway onto the sidewalk.

It stopped midway on the road.

I quickly turned on my hazzard lights and ran back up the driveway, with the arse of my car on the road blocking traffic.

The gentleman engaged the assistance of his two Sons to get my car off the road and then proceeded to offer me fuel from his lawnmower to get me to the fuel station!

I am so clueless I didn't even know you could do that!

I am so grateful for the kindness offered to me this afternoon from this family and for the tiny amount of lawn mower fuel that got me to the fuel station.

I have vowed and declared NEVER to put myself into a position to ever experience this kind of embarrassment again.

Grateful for the kindness of virtual strangers :-)

Day 86 - Today I am grateful for....catch up coffees!

My friend Neil & I catch up whenever we can.

He lives in Allora but is always in and out of Toowoomba for work.

We've been friends for over a year and we met when he came to work his "magic" on George in December 2009. I have long referred to him as "The Dog Whisperer" but we have remained friends since then.

We try to catch up at least once every few weeks, although he's much better at it than I am. I don't know how he does it really! With a farm, 2 kids, a business to run plus a girlfriend who lives 200km away! Amazing stuff. But he always has time for me. If I were to need anything, I know I could absolutely call on him and he would be there.

He stops in for a coffee and we have a little chat. It's really nice to have such a special friend in my life.

We've been through a fair bit together. In fact, the first day I met him, happened to be just after my Ex-Husband had left. Said Ex-Husband came over to the house while Neil was there fixing George, screamed at me how much he despised me and then left again. Suffice to say, I was a blubbering mess for quite a while after. Some awkward first few moments with a new friend.....I didn't know what to say or do. I just stood there and I cried. And Neil hugged me. I'd known him for maybe half an hour.

I'd never experienced that kind of instant friendship and acceptance before in my life. I'd given it but I'd never recieved it. And so began our friendship. I guess God decided I needed someone right then, and there he was. Many times we've been there for each other in some form or another since then. And we always have a laugh over a cup of coffee or a movie and noodles.

Neil really is an amazing guy. He has some 13 years of life experience on me but has been through very similar to me. He is funny and sweet and thoughtful; a really casual soul and I'm so blessed for his friendship in my life.

I'm also uber-thankful that his lovely girlfriend doesn't mind sharing him with me for catch up coffees occasionally :-)

It doesn't seem to matter the time or the distance, nothing changes between visits. We laugh and talk and share stories. There is no judgement, just the love of a friend.

And so today, I am grateful for the random text message from my wonderful friend and subsequent catch up coffee.

Love love xx

Day 85 - Today I am grateful for....Advil

I've had a cracker of a headache for a few weeks now.

It just doesn't seem to go away.

And no, I'm not hungover. I don't even drink! It's just there. All the bloody time.

Maybe I should start drinking? Then I might have a reason for this stupid blinding thump in my brain? Blah.

You know it's a good one when you wake up with it. Yuck.

And so today, I am grateful for Advil. You rock my world.

Grateful.

Day 84 - Today I am grateful....I am Australian!

Today is Australia Day and frankly there is nowhere in the world I would rather be.

We are one.
But we are many.
And from all the lands on earth we come.
We share a dream
And sing with one voice.
I am.
You are.
We are....Australian.

After an epic and tragic few weeks, it is lovely to be able to celebrate being an Australian and remember why we love our heritage and where we come from.

I'd not really planned to do very much today but when I woke up and the sky was blue and it was already hot - so Australia - it kind of spurred a feeling inside. Bring on the Beer & BBQ with friends (minus the beer for the boring girl over here) I say!

Little Georgie was having an Australia Day BBQ and so I ventured out of my little hermit house and headed over. My goodness! What a bunch of proud Aussies were celebrating there! Barely midday and they were already three sheets to the wind and loving it. Armed with Australian flags and temporary tattoos we were ready to celebrate!. It was so cute to see all of them in their carefully planned outfits. It was really special.

From there I headed over to Jason's house for a little more Aussie Day goodness. Whilst the outfits were by no means comparable, the Aussie Spirit sure was. Snags on the BBQ and me with my Coke, I had a really lovely day.

There is a lot to be said for catching up with friends to celebrate your nationality. The only other people in the world that know how to do it like us are possibly the Irish....lol

I love being Australian. I love everything about it. I love the freedom. I love the freedom of speech. I love the familiarity. I love the casual nature. I love our humour. I love BBQ's and thongs. I love the beauty of our sunburnt land. I love that we are just an awesome and amazing people. I love our country and I'm uber proud to call Australia home.

And so today, and every day, I'm grateful that I am Australian.

Day 83 - Today I am grateful for....an impromptu girls night in!

Tonight marked a cosy night in with my girl Tiff.

Neither of us had anywhere in particular to be, so I bought around dinner, we went and got waffles and icecream for dessert and watched a movie.

Tiff and I have been friends for a little over a year. We just have the best fun when we are together. We talk rubbish and laugh - a lot. There is 10 years between us but it doesn't ever seem to matter. She tells me all of her funny stories and I can't help but smile because I've been there so many years before. Although I think she has way more fun than I ever did?

And so tonight we watched Julie & Julia. A movie about a girl who blogs her way through a famous cook book. Hmmmm. Sounds familiar - the blogging part at least. We veged.

I love those impromptu nights in. The kind where it isn't planned and you really don't do anything out of the ordinary but it's still cool just the same?

Grateful x

Day 82 - Today I am grateful for....Canine Cuddles

"Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened." ~ Anatole France

There is something to be said for the love of an animal.

The unconditional love of a pet surpasses that of a person. They love you for all that you are. They don't care if your hair is messy or if you haven't had a shower or your clothes don't match. They love you, just as you are.

Is there anyone else in the world that is as happy to see you when you come home from work at night? I don't think so.

And so, when I got home after another really long day today, I couldn't help but smile. There are my little four legged darlings, tails wagging, big smiles, happy to see me. Me!

We ended up having cuddles before bed, because I feel like I've not really seen them for a few weeks and I've missed them. George is well, George. 45kg of child. When he jumps up on the bed, 9 times out of 10, he lands directly on my stomach. Ouch. He then proceeds to turn around and sit full length on my chest with his head resting on my shoulder. I love him. He's the most handsome blonde man in my life.

Then there is Lily. Painful but cute. She always has to be close. And by close, I mean....close. There is no lying at the foot of the bed. Oh no. She lies so close that I can't roll over. Lucky she's little.

Most mornings I wake up to George's paws in my face as he is spread full length down the right hand side of the bed, Charlie is curled up on the pillow beside me and Lily is tucked in close to the small of my back. I love the familiarity and comfort that waking up to that sight brings me. I am grateful for them every day.

And so tonight, I'm grateful for their cuddles. Because whilst it's awkward, they're hairy and smell like dog, they love me for me. And they may not be the best behaved animals in the world but they are mine and there isn't anything I wouldn't do for them.

Grateful x

Day 81 - Today I am grateful for....a relaxing spa

I worked on Sunday. Nothing new there.

But I was hurting. Bad.

My poor body has copped a bit of hiding the past few weeks, in terms of lack of sleep, stress and not eating well and I'm starting to feel it. Good old Fibromyalgia doesn't really miss you when you're stressed.

I've not disclosed during my blog thus far, that I suffer from a disease called Fibromyalgia, and it is largely because it is misunderstood and sufferers are deemed to be hypochondriacs.....Well let me tell you, for those that suffer from this horrible muscle and joint disorder, I can assure you it's not in our head.

Largely misunderstood and dismissed by the medical profession as depression, people with Fibromyalgia keep fairly quiet about their struggles as no one really believes you. There is no test. There is no cure. Very similar to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, there are a million different things that umbrella a painful infliction that nothing can be done for. Excellent.

Most days are a struggle and I'm in pain 90% of the time, if not more. I'm tired and lethargic and if I could stay in bed all day, I probably would. My body aches and there are many other bits and bobs that come with it, that make life, well, hard.

I was diagnosed 12 years ago, after I struggled to breathe at work one day because of shooting pain in the intercostal muscles of my ribs. I'd not injured myself but it hurt - a lot. I rushed off to the Doctor, who diagnosed me, at 19, with Fibromyalgia. I'd never heard of it before. But once explained, it made sense. There are 9 points on the body called trigger points and if touched is a fairly good indicator. That coupled with all the rest of the issues, and you might have what I do. It's likely that I've had it a lot longer than that though, as apparently it can be triggered by an event or an illness such as Glandular Fever. I had Glandular Fever when I was 10.....you do the math.

I've tried everything - massage, rheumatologists, doctors, natropathy, medications, anti-depressants, chiropractors, remedial massage, kinesiology....you name it, I've tried it. There isn't much to help us unfortunately. It's just life.

I do try not to complain and just get on with it. People don't understand though, why there are things I can't do, like lift heavy things, or stay out drinking until 3am. There are times when my memory becomes so bad that I can't even remember my own name and my strength so bad that I cannot hold onto a glass. There are times where I have ground my teeth in my sleep until my teeth crack. A small touch or friendly slap on the back from a friend can cause exponential amounts of pain. I can't sit for too long and I'm so tired all the time. And so the list goes on. This will be something that I live with daily for the rest of my life. I tell you what though, when I'm as stressed and worn out as I am at the moment, it's nothing short of a nightmare.

Cue: Shining Light in the form of Brendan and his amazing spa :-) Grateful.

No, this isn't a picture of Brendan's Spa but this picture is as close to how it feels as I could find :-)

There are a couple of things that can help with the pain. Sleep is a good one, although not particularly helpful when we (Fibromyalgia sufferers) actually miss out on the restorative part of sleep, but at least we are resting and still. Vitamin B in the form of an injection once a month or more. Then there are obviously pain killers but you can't rely on them all the time. Massage, light exercise and warm water do also sometimes help.

But at the end of the day, these are the cards I have been dealt with in life and so the show must go on....

And so what better way to feel a little bit better but to wander over to Brendans for a spa on a Sunday afternoon for some warm healing water and bubbles. Bliss!

Grateful.

Day 80 - Today I am grateful for....Humility

I finally ventured down the range a little way on Saturday afternoon, to Murphy's Creek.

It's the first time I've been able to actually go down and see first hand the devastation that Mother Nature inflicted on my treasured Heaven's Gate.

I am stunned.

And humbled.

What was once picturesque beauty is now flattened trees, huge cavernous holes and destruction. Little creeks are now massive running rivers. Car bodies litter the landscape and where there was once beautiful bushland, there are mountains which have caved in, roads washed away, and houses flattened to the ground. To see the process of evolution sped up to a matter of minutes, instead of millions of years, has really sat me on my bum.

My beloved friend Andrea and her family (my adopted family) live in Murphy's Creek. She has lived with and survived the obliteration of the sleepy little country town she calls home.

Attached, is an email that she sent to me the weekend on January 15th 2011, 5 days after the blackest day in our history.....

To all,

Just a little note to let everyone know how we are holding up here in “the creek”.  Help has finally arrived… centrelink, salvos, rural fireies from all over, army, police, road gangs, energex, health workers, ambos, councillors, the whole shooting match.  The word is we won’t have power here for at least a month.  So we have been living out of eskies, and off bbq plates.  We are holding up well under the circumstances.

As for the mess…… words are too kind to the devastation – it’s something we are all trying to come to terms with.  Those who lived through it are still in a state of shock, and say we have no idea what it was like, and those of us who were still up in town when it hit at around 1.30pm were in a state of panic too – wondering what had happened to our families and homes.  The mud is starting to pong, and the cleanup is finally getting underway.  Where to start is bewildering.  It is like a bomb has gone off, Grantham being called ground zero.  And we are part of the medias’ renaming of the Lockyer now known as “death valley” (nothing short of insulting). We helped one of our friends go through their house on Wednesday, they have lost everything.  A very sobering task, the impact beyond comprehension.  Mother nature sure did a number on us!  The power of water is never to be underestimated…. Cars washed downstream and miles from where they belong, debris is wrapped around trees at amazing heights.  The railway line is just washed away…..  houses simply gone, leaving just a slab or stumps as a timely reminder of why dwellings should never be built so close to a creek.  But who can tell?  There is a large poly tank sitting on the rail line outside our place, and an industrial bin across the road, both travelled about a kilometre down from the hall and rural fire brigade.                                                                                                                              

We were some of the lucky ones.  A few inches of mud washed through the under our house and a crap load of mould/mildew to clean off the walls is nothing to even mention compared to the untold anguish of others.  “The creek”, it’s residents and it’s watery journey will never be the same again.  And so we turn the page and keep going.  Upward and onward.   We have a generator, hot water, food and a bed to sleep in, thanking our lucky stars every day that we were spared.  So we try to help physically as well as mentally, our treasured friends and neighbours as we all band together, sharing our homes, food, experiences and friendship.

Please accept from the bottom of our hearts the thanks and appreciation of your concern and worry.  It is very humbling and knowing that you are all there.  And also the those of you who I haven’t heard from, I just wanted to let you know firsthand how it is here.  I am sure I will be in contact with you soon.  stay safe,

Peace, love, happiness,

Andrea.

How do you begin to even imagine what you might walk in to after receiving that? But my darling Andiee is never ever one to complain.

She mentioned to me that people were volunteering at the school on the weekend to help the kids get back on Monday, so I thought I would head down after work and see what I could do.

Turns out they didn't need my help at the school but Andrea's family home did. And so I donned my plastic gloves and house shirt and proceeded to de-mould her beautiful home. I kind of felt a little bit useless but apparently I did an alright job. And to think she wasn't going to let me do it! Ha! I showed her.

It's about time that she let someone help her! She's so kind and thoughtful and giving, that even though it was a small thing, I was glad that I was able to help, even a little bit.

Save for the giant spider that I collected on my sponge, which tried to eat me, I came out unscathed :-)

And so today I am grateful for the safety of my friends, and for the humility of realising that there are things in life that are bigger than me and that I must assist in life whenever I can. Because that is just what you do for the love of a friend x

Day 79 - Today I am grateful for....Heartfelt Thanks!

On Friday last week, my colleagues and I were spoilt rotten with some genuine heartfelt thanks, that came in the form of my close friend Ronnie and her amazing cooking ability!

During the recent natural disaster that hit Toowoomba, Ronnie and her Son, Riley lost everything.

She was devastated and I was devastated for her.

She received no support from her Real Estate agent and was effectively forced from her home with nothing and nowhere to go.

So when she came to me for help, I did my very best. She doesn't rent through our office, but at the end of the day, I love her and so I did what I could to give her the very best advice that I could.

We spoke every day during that first week. Often several times a day. She was very calm and clear. Not at all like me. I would have probably been hysterical going through what she did. She would ring to clarify advice that she had received or query parts of the legislation. And even if it wasn't me she spoke to, everyone she spoke to in our office was willing to offer assistance. That's just how we roll at RE/MAX Success :)

Ronnie is one of those spectacularly positive people and it's one of my favourite things about her. Nothing ever seems to get her down. I find it fascinating. I'm sure that she does have down days but it's not often. And when life does get the better of her, in a little while, she's back better than ever.

She is beautiful and smart and funny. And very quick to give me a kick up the bum if I need one! One of my tough love friends, she's seen me cry and made me laugh. She's hugged me when I'm fragile and high fived me when she's proud of me. She is always so thoughtful and soooooooooooo strong. No matter the adversity or what is going on in her own life, she always manages to keep a smile on her face and help someone else out. I envy her positivity and I love spending time with her, not only because she's fabulous to be around but because I hope that by osmosis, I will be able to learn and develop that happy-go-lucky positive attitude and hone it and perfect it the way she has.

As it turns out, what I had thought was not particularly helpful, turned out to be a big help for her and so she & Riley brought this in to our work to show their appreciation.

Our very own gingerbread RE/MAX House!

What a lovely gesture.

I can only imagine the time it would have taken to create such a thing. Given that I am completely clueless when it comes to food art, I thought this was fabulous! And sooooooooooooooooooooo yummy. And so did everyone else.

She's such an amazing girl. Not only did she find the time to do this for us, but she has also been volunteering for Lifeline and various other communitee fundraising efforts, rallying against horrendous internet FB sites, arranging community selling sites and her very own Queen of Dehoarding page, plus getting Riley ready for school, finding somewhere to live, and starting a new job! If only we could clone her....

Just when you think life has gone to sh*t, someone does something so lovely that you are so humbled and grateful for them that your heart sings.

And so today, I am grateful for Ronnie, our friendship and the light that she brought to us after some dark dark days, with a simple.....thankyou.

So thankyou my darling friend. I love you xxx

Day 78 - Today I am grateful for....hindsight

I've never been grateful for hindsight before.

In fact, it's bloody inconvenient.

We all know that horrible feeling that you get where you wished you knew what you know now; even though you actually did know it; before you made whatever stupid decision it was that you made. *cringe*

The regret that fills your heart when life starts passing you by and you wish you'd taken a chance that you....well, you just didn't take, for whatever reason.

20/20 hindsight. Clear as a bell. These past 12 months I've just been making some of the worst life decisions known to man.

Unfortunately, all the wishing in the world doesn't make those decisions (or lack thereof) go away. And so I must change me because unfortunately I cannot change the past, much as I wish I could.

Whilst some of the decisions have been very poor, I'm grateful for the hindsight because it has allowed me to acknowledge & take responsibility and subsequently allowed for me to seek assistance, to figure out what's going on with me and make better choices in the future.

I'm hopeful that with the help & guidance I will receive, potentially my foresight will kick in before I make another collosal f*ck up and have to rely on my hindsight to give me a slap afterwards. Or maybe I will take a chance on something that I've been too afraid to take a chance on....who knows what is in store for me?

Grateful.

Day 77 - Today I am grateful for....clean gutters!

I sent out a shout out at work the other day for some assistance at home....namely cleaning out my gutters.

All I needed was a ladder and a hedge trimmer. The ladder for me to climb up and clean out my very blocked gutters and a hedge trimmer to trim up the rapidly expanding Wisteria in my back yard. Once upon a time I had both.....Divorce = Bloody Inconvenient (when stuff needs doing around the house & you have no tools).

I received a very warm response. So many people emailed back offering me help!

I'm by no means a girly girl. Nor am I a helpless single woman. No, I don't have a man in my house. But I am more than capable of fixing things myself. 9 times out of 10 I don't even need a man's assistance!

But out of all of the responses that I received, almost all of them said they would actually just come and clean my gutters for me! Cute!

I had planned to clean the gutters myself, all I needed was a ladder.....

My 70 year old Father offered but there was no way I was letting him get up on a ladder to do it. Turns out he had planned to do it last Monday (WTF - so glad he didn't). Grateful.

My friend Sammy, who I am currently sharing an office with whilst we sort out the disaster recovery stuff, happily volunteered her partner, Annie to do the job. I protested heartily but in the end the pair of them won out and Annie swiftly and capably cleaned out my gutters yesterday before the little mini storm we had.

So currently, I have clean gutters and fingers crossed a roof that won't leak for a little while ;-)

Huge thanks to Annie & Sammy for being such great friends and sorting it all out for me. And thanks to everyone else who also offered assistance. Love Love x

Day 76 - Today I am grateful for....sound advice

It's not often that I ask for help anymore.

I'm stubborn and don't often like to admit that I'm fragile. I guess I fell apart so badly last year that it doesn't seem fair to ask for anymore help. I believe I have used up all of my friendship vouchers and it's not fair to burden people with my problems...again.

But I've been making some really poor decisions in the past year and have hurt people unintentionally by my actions. I need help.

Whilst I can't change the past, I can change me. And I acknowledge that I need to.

I've been reckless and thoughtless and it really is time for me to grow up, swallow my pride, admit my wrongs and start taking people's advice! I freely give it out, so it's time for me to listen and really hear. Contrary to popular belief, I actually don't know everything.

Clearly my judgement is clouded and I'm all sorts of broken (read: mentally f*cked up) since my Husband left. I wish it wasn't the case but it really is and sorry just doesn't cut it sometimes.

I guess from here, the first step is admitting to needing help. Done. The second is accessing that help. Done. The third is following it. Work in progress.

So this is me, admitting that I'm human and I need assistance....still. I've dropped my bundle. Big time.

I still need some polishing. And there is a ways to go before my conscience will be clear of all the mistakes I've made in my life. I'm the only one who can change me and I have much to learn. I've made the appointment with one of the only neutral people I know that will listen without judgement and so I wait patiently for the sound advice that will surely come.

Grateful.

Day 69 - 75 - These days I was grateful for....the human spirit!

What a horrific week.

I've been witness to some devastating tragedy in the past 7 days. Our tiny community has been altered exponentially and forever.

What the press is calling an "inland tsunami" has affected the lives of thousands of people. People that I know. People that I don't.

Houses have been decimated, people are homeless, property has been obliterated, businesses financially ruined, landscape changed beyond belief and lives tragically lost.

We live on a hill for goodness sake! How does something like this even happen? A perfect storm. How do you ever prepare yourself?

At my work alone, we have had over 250 properties affected by storm damage and water inundation, with more properties noted every day. Tenants of ours have tragically lost their lives and others have lost family members. Some are still missing. I personally worked 18 hour days (along with a team of my colleagues) last week in an effort to assist those poor people whose lives were turned upside down.

And still the phone calls and emails keep coming every day. Our Storm Register grows and grows and I've never felt so overwhelmed and helpless in all of my life.

Every day, my eyes are drawn to the TV in the boardroom, glued to the constant images of peoples lives and homes forever changed by the flooding. The scenes of devastation and horrific loss are unending.

I haven't really cried, although I've come pretty close and mainly out of sheer exhaustion and frustration. And I'm quite sure that when I sit down and think about it all, I will likely be close to catatonic. I have noone to download to and so anyone who is within ear shot, unfortunately cops it. And it just pours out of me. My pity. My horror. My feelings of helplessness. I wish wholeheartedly that I could come home and tell someone about it all so I stop annoying everyone else but I don't have someone so I can't.

We don't have enough tradesman, people are upset and scared, tensions are running high. How do you comfort someone who has lost everything? How do you reassure them that everything will be OK? You can't and it is traumatic.

I've tried each day to find something to feel grateful for and it has been extremely difficult, believe me. I've also had barely enough time to sleep, let alone think about trying to sit down at the computer and be grateful. Selfish isn't it?

That said, there have been some good times this week.

I am overjoyed to hear of the stories of triumph and survival. The AUSTRALIAN spirit. These are the worst days of our lives, and yet people rally together to help clean, donate and support. Thousands of Queenslanders are assisting the families whose homes have been lost to a natural disaster. Grateful.

I am constantly amazed by the endless work of the emergency crews, road crews, Australian Defence Force, Police, volunteers & SES, not to mention the human armies of people who have worked around the clock to help the people most badly affected. Grateful.

People have donated millions of dollars to help our battered State and its shell-shocked residents recover. Grateful.

Some celebrities are donating all profits from their songs. Grateful.

Everyday Australians are donating clothes and food and goods to people who have absolutely nothing left. Strangers helping strangers. Grateful.

My own home was drenched that day. Water leaked through the roof and windows in my front sunroom, and also through the walls and windows and ceiling of my back sunroom. My carpets have been wrecked and I was without power for over 24 hours. But my home is still standing. A little bit on the smelly side of life but comparitively, I'm absolutely fine. Grateful.

One of my closest girlfriends lost everything and was without the support of her own Real Estate and Landlord, so she came to me. I was able to assist and point her at least in the right direction and she too has experienced the astounding generosity of strangers. Grateful.

And you know what? That's what it's all about.

The highlight of the week was of course my girlfriends wedding on Saturday. I was a bridesmaid and it was touch and go as to whether we would even make it out but we did and it was an amazing day. We had a ball. She looked so beautiful and I was excited to see one of my oldest friends marry the love of her life. It really was a terrific day and I'm just so thrilled to have been included on her most special day. Grateful.

And so 7 days on, I really am grateful for special times, triumph over tragedy, the generosity of the human spirit and I am so proud to be a Queenslander and an Australian.

Grateful.

Day 68 - Today I am grateful for....the safety of my loved ones

Monday, 10th January 2011, marked the blackest day in Toowoomba's History.

Hit with over 4 inches in under an hour, our roads turned to floodways, cars were demolished, homes washed away, businesses were devastated, people were stranded or evacuated, property destroyed and lives were lost.

Words cannot begin to describe the nightmare that has unfolded.

The magnitude of the loss in Toowoomba continues to rise at a collosal rate and with more rain on the way, how can our little town withstand it?

An "Inland Tsunami" they are calling it. WTF does that even mean?

So many lives were lost and countless more missing.

There is no food and little to no water. Our resources and emergency services are strained. People are frightened and stressed.

We live on a hill for God's sake - how does this even happen?

We have received literally hundreds of calls from desperately scared people whose homes have flooded. Roofs have leaked. Ceilings have collapsed. Water is coming up from the ground or there is no water at all. There is no power. Sewerage is running through some places.


I personally have been working around the clock with some of the people I work with, in order to try and assist those in need. I'm tired and stressed and frightened myself.

My own house flooded. My roof leaked, my carpets are soaking wet and I was without power myself for 24hrs.

But....

I am alive.

My kids are safe and alive.

My parents are safe and alive.

My friends are safe and alive.

My colleagues are safe and alive.

I am surely more fortunate than so many other people. Houses can be fixed. People can't.

So today I choose to be grateful for the safety of my loved ones. To all of you, I love you very much xxx

Day 67 - Today I am grateful for....the sound of rain to put me to sleep

It's been a really long couple of days.

In fact, it's been a really long couple of months.

Most days it's a struggle to keep my eyes open, let alone remember my own name.

I'm tired. Really really tired.

I haven't been sleeping particularly well. I'm stressed at work and feeling quite stretched; physically, emotionally, financially, and logistically. I feel the overwhelming sensation that I'm not enough of a person for everyone. There is simply not enough of me to go around.

The Christmas Holidays have taken a toll on me emotionally and physically.

If I'm honest, I'm actually the saddest that I've been in a really long time. The ache of loneliness is neverending I guess and it just doesn't seem to go away. Memories are a killer and I often wonder when the day will come that I find peace.

I often look around at the people closest to me and I can't help but envy them. A deadly sin, but one that I can't control. I envy their happiness. I envy the love that they share. I envy their varying ability to let go of the small stuff. I envy their lifestyles. I envy their humour. The grass sometimes really does seem greener on the other side....

I understand that my happiness is something only I can control. I am also not so vain as to think that I am the only one in the world that has felt pain. Everyone has a sad story.

One day I will find contentment and love. I know that. I just don't know when. So I guess until then, all I can do is find a happy medium; a place where the pain is numb - there but not really there. Sleep is usually a good start.

Insomnia and I will not be friends forever. In fact, tonight I'm going to go to bed early, grateful for the sound of rain to put me to sleep. Grateful that I am warm and dry in my own comfortable bed. Alone yes, but so much more fortunate than lots of other people.

Grateful, grateful, grateful for so many things.

Day 66 - Today I am grateful for....High Tea Bridal Showers

Today marked the special occasion of my friend, Juanita's Bridal Shower Chocolate High Tea at The Stamford Plaza Hotel in Brisbane.

What a lovely afternoon!

I knew Juanita would never want to go clubbing for her Hen's Night. She's just too classy a girl, but when she said she didn't want to do anything, I promptly told her to stop being so ridculous. A Hen's Night or Bridal Shower is a right of passage. And so, in keeping with the beautiful and classy theme, we opted to go with a very sophisticated High Tea. Very appropriate and a good chance to catch up with some girlfriends before the wedding.

We had a really special time and enjoyed some really amazing food. It really was lovely. I even got to catch up with some old friends that I haven't seen for 10 years! Lot's of amazing food, beautiful coffees and of course....chocolate.

Juanita was suitably spoilt, as it should be, and in less than one week now, she will be married to the man of her dreams. 6 short days to go!

I'm pleased that we were able to spoil Juanita for a day, and let her be fussed over and make her put aside the stress of the wedding for an afternoon dedicated just to her!

And to see her face today makes me grateful for lovely afternoons with girlfriends and for High Tea Bridal Showers. A really lovely and different slant on the usual Hen's Night capers.....

Day 65 - Today I am grateful for....getting out of the house!

Today was one of those really horrible days in Maintenance.

The kind where you wish the world would swallow you up whole, because you're drowning anyway.

I got a call from my friend, Sam - "Come to pub!"

Why not? I thought.

So I did.

I went to The Spotted Cow. I haven't been there in a hundred years. Mainly because it was the favourite haunt of my Ex-Husband and thought of running into him there made me panic, so I avoided it like the plague.

But now that he's out of the country, I'm able to enjoy the Cow again. Although I'm not a big drinker, by any stretch of the imagination, I'm happy to tag along and be a little bit social. I sip on my coke and watch my friends drink, and quietly (and some not so quietly) get ripped. I don't mind being sober. At least I can avoid the hangover the next day!

It was time to get out of the house.

I've been pretty much holed up in my house since Christmas. I've ventured out a couple of times and obviously to work but apart from that, not so much.

But I'm never going to meet the man of my dreams sitting at home.

And after tonight, I'm pretty confident that I'm never going to meet him at the pub either. But that's another story altogether.

But for tonight, I'm grateful to have gotten out of the house, enjoyed some time with friends and a change of scenery.  That's a win in my book :-)

Day 64 - Today I am grateful for....a lightbulb moment! Ding!

I went over to visit my friend Tiff tonight.

It was lovely having a coffee and a chat.

The TV was on quietly in the background and absentmindedly we both happened to glance over and observe an ad for The Ab Circle Pro.....

The Ab Circle Pro is this magic machine that combines situps and cardio somehow, in this awesome work out that takes only 3 minutes a day. Within 2 weeks, it said that I would definately look like the beautiful lady with the rock hard abs in the advertisement. That sounds perfect to me!

Now, I may have purchased said magic machine over 12 months ago and it has sat exactly where I assembled it (with assistance) unused....

We got talking about it and I started ranting about how useless it was for my stupid malfuncitoning body and how it was just sitting in my sunroom doing nothing.

Leah: You want it? It's the most useless machine in the world. I hate it. It's no good for my stupid knees.

Tiff: Sure. Can I try it for like 7 days and see if I like it first?

Leah: Sure.

Tiff: Great. Thanks!

Leah: Hang on...(looking at advertisement) that looks way lower than what I've got my setting on! Ding! OMG. No wonder I haven't been able to use the bloody thing! Sorry Tiff, let me see if I've been using it wrong this whole time....

I'd tried to use it, I really had, but my "dicky" knees dislocate in the knee pads and / or I have an accident on it like I did on Tuesday night and manage to pull a stomach and leg muscle when I fell off! And yes, I really did fall off....

I hated the stupid thing. And I really was going to sell it. Not one of my wisest purchases, I thought.

That was until tonight when I realised (while watching the ad and then investigating upon my arrival home) that I've actually had the machine on the highest possible height level and this is why I've been struggling so much - LIGHTBULB! Ding!

What a loser. All of this time, I've not used it, or used it sparingly because I invariably injured myself, all the while blaming my stupid body for not co-operating when it had nothing to do with it! It was just me being special needs. Hilarious.

So tomorrow, it's on. I am all over that machine like white on rice, and we are going to be great friends, I can feel it.

And sorry Tiff, you can't have it for now, because I'm going to look as hot as that woman on the TV!

But for today, I'm very grateful for my little lightbulb moment. I believe it has sorted quite a few problems out for me :-)

Day 63 - Today I am grateful for....my roof not leaking as badly as it did!

My little flatmate, Kathy called me this afternoon to enquire as to whether I knew my house was leaking?

Well, I assumed it might be but no, I wasn't actually aware.

Should she put down some towels?

Yes please!

Oh and can you shut the windows too?? That'd be great! lol

And so the rain just kept falling and falling and falling. Blah.

I feel like I haven't seen proper sunshine and blue skies for months. The reality is just that! There hasn't been any! It is overcast literally every day. Occasionally a bit of blue sky peeks out but mostly it's just morbid.

Don't get me wrong, I love the rain and I know we have needed it but now, it's to the other extreme. We've had too much and I'm not sure we can really cope with any more?

And with my work in maintenance, oh don't even get me started. I'm quite sure that every roof in our rent roll has leaked! It is just never ending.

This weather just makes me feel awful. It's dark and gloomy and my mood follows suit. Seasonal Affective Disorder it's called. Or SAD. My Grandmother suffered from it and I'm beginning to wonder if I do too? Perhaps planning to run away to the UK would not be the wonderful experience that I would be searching for in life....there is never any sunshine there! ha ha

But when I got home this afternoon, expecting my TV to be floating, I was quite happy to find that the leak was minor in comparison to the other day. Only one towel was down and the rest of the house was dry. Win!

So today, I can only be grateful that my roof didn't leak as badly as I was expecting. Thank God for small mercies and thank God for my quick thinking girl...... :-)

Day 62 - Today I am grateful for....a good day!

Let's be honest, the good days of late have been few and far between! Between work, home and life, I've copped a bit of a battering.

But today was one of the better ones.

I was able to get a lot of work done, without too many dramas. Noone annoyed me or made me sad. My body wasn't hurting so badly today (I think my Vitamin B shot finally kicked in). The sun was shining. It wasn't raining. I just felt better. I even laughed!

I almost felt peaceful today. I wasn't anxious or sad. I was calm and collected and focused.

Suffice to say, I think things have turned a corner. I know as soon as I pen this statement, something will happen, it usually does, but you know what? Today was a good day.

And I'm uber-grateful for that!

Day 61 - Today I am grateful for....Food

I just went out for dinner to celebrate a friends Birthday and well, I'm a wee bit full.

But you know what? I'm thankful for that. For that means that I'm fortunate enough to even have food.

There are so many people in this world who suffer from starvation and hunger. So many people who are not fortunate enough to enjoy food; one of life's simplest pleasures.

There are also people in life who choose not to indulge. Or to the alternate extreme, indulge too much. There needs to be balance. Food is designed for nutrition, nourishment and ultimately enjoyment.

I'm all for eating healthy, don't misunderstand me. But I believe that all things should be in moderation. I know I need to eat better than I have done in the past. I enjoy healthy food, but sometimes, convenience wins out over health. Particularly in my job.

I was overweight before my Husband left. I didn't realise just how heavy I'd gotten until I lost 20 kg in about 6 weeks. I didn't do anything drastic to achieve this, I just stopped eating so much rubbish. My Ex-Husband had hollow legs and in an attempt to fill him up, by osmosis, I ended up eating the same amount as he did. I had no relationship with food. I just ate for the sake of eating. I had missed the whole point. I didn't mean for it to happen, it just did. So when he left, and I wasn't eating so much, the weight kind of just came off.

I'm not a comfort eater. In fact, I'm very much the opposite. I don't stop eating when I'm distressed but I don't overeat to compensate an emotion. Don't get me wrong, as a teenage girl in our society today, there is the ultimate pressure to be stick thin and beautiful. I battled with food for many years. I constantly saw myself as the overweight red head with freckles. Boys didn't look at me. Instead they much preferred my beautiful and much slimmer counterparts. Not much has changed, except my attitude to me.

I guess to this day, I'm still not the poster girl for beauty.

I'm astounded by the stick insects that are meant to sell clothes these days. Normal people just don't look like that. What happened to being a great person with a loving heart? What happened to doing well at school? What happened to dressing for your size and being happy with that? What happened to being comfortable and happy in your own skin? What happened to being healthy?

Long gone are the days where Marilyn Monroe was considered beautiful at a size 14. Now it's all about size 6 and smaller. Sometimes I look at those models and I just want to kidnap them and feed them steak! How sad they seem.

I'm not going to sit here and preach that I am happy in my own skin, because ultimately I'm not. I would like to lose more weight. I would love to be fashionable and beautiful. I would love for men to just fall over themselves to get to me because I am all of the above. The reality is much different - I'm a size 14. I still have red hair and freckles. I will never be beautiful or skinny. And that's life.

It's only my opinion, but what's on the inside of me, a loving and giving heart, far outweighs (pardon the pun) the negative....

I would like to be a healthy size 12. I'm not expecting any smaller, because my hips have a whole different plan for my life. They are designed to bear children and so I will never be a stick insect, as I simply don't have the body shape. But this year, I plan to exercise more and tone up the good work that I have already achieved.

But moreover, I plan to learn to love my body. Flaws and all, I need to nurture it and take better care of it. And I need to develop a healthier relationship to food. In my opinion, the two go hand in hand.

God gave me a wonderful instrument to enjoy life with, and so I owe it to myself to enjoy what I have and make it work to the best of my ability. So today, I am very grateful for food, a full stomach, and all of the blessed feelings that come with both.....

Day 60 - Today I am grateful for....a good book

My friend Vicki gave me a new book for Christmas.

I opened it up yesterday and haven't been able to put the bloody thing down since.

I love books. I love everything about them. The look of them in my bookcase. The smell. The feel. The thrill of the stories. The ability to lie down with a good book and get lost in it.

When my Husband left I ploughed through the entire Twilight Saga in 3 weeks. It was my escapism into a fantasy world. And I'll openly admit to now being a Twi-geek. It helped me when I needed it and I am not ashamed of it.

My Mum has always been a reader. She's a shocker. I've never seen anyone anihilate a book like her. No sooner has she opened it, than it's finished. I, on the other hand, have never been a huge reader. A book has to really grab me in the first couple of pages or I'm done with it.

I'm not overly intellectual or even particularly smart. I didn't ace my OP score or even stick university out until the bitter end. I'm a simple and humble Property Manager. But I can read and I'm so thankful for that. I can't imagine the struggle that illiteracy would bring into someone's life.

My first trip overseas, I hardly read at all on the planes. I just watched the in-house movies, talked with my Ex-Husband or slept. The second time however, I read like 4 thick books. It was great. But then I got home to reality and there just never seemed to be enough time.

I really love reading about real life / non-fiction / true stories. I love books about animals and favourites of mine include Marley & Me, Dexter and A Lion called Christian - all of which are true stories about various animals. If it has an animal in it, then I'm pretty much sold. I also love thrillers and murder mysteries. I hate science-fiction. Try as I might, I will never be able to get into Lord of the Rings etc. I could never really get into Harry Potter either, though I like the concept. I've got loads of self-help books to get my out of my misery, none of which have ever been particularly helpful. I guess with books, you get out of them what you put in.

But more recently, since I've decided to de-complicate my life, I've decided I'm going to read more. I've got loads of books in my bookshelf that are untouched. And really, if I'm honest, what the hell else have I got to do? Nothing.

So today, I'm grateful for my new book and the release it has given me.....

Day 59 - Today I am grateful for....Surprise Dinner Invitations

So I was lying in bed this morning / afternoon, when my phone rang.

Not unusual.

It was Sammi aka Sparkles. "Would I like to come for dinner tonight with her & Kara?" Well, yes I would!

What a treat.

Given that it was 1pm in the afternoon and I was still in bed, this evening wasn't looking terribly thrilling. In fact, it was likely to consist of noodles in a bowl, in front of the TV with my kids.

What a lovely surprise! I was excited.
 

I work with Sammi & Kara and we've been close for many months now. They are two (of the many) friendships that I've formed this year that I'm uber-grateful for.

I'd like to claim that I got the two of them together, but that would ultimately be a lie. I guess fate did that all on its own....ha ha

A little dynamic duo, they are two of the coolest kids, this side of Harlo :-)

Both obsessive animal lovers like me, there's no real question as to why we're friends. We laugh all the time and have the best fun.

So today, I'm grateful for both of them and for the surprise dinner invitation tonight, which made an otherwise boring Saturday night, fabulous! Thanks darlings xxx