As I have mentioned previously, I'm not depressed. Bordering on sad maybe. Lost - yes. Frustrated - definately. Stressed - absolutely. Overtired - collosally. And it's all of these that makes a girls brain turn to mush. Oh the tears! The hysteria. The haze. Blah.
But honestly, enough is enough. So, today marked the start of some big things that I have planned for myself this year. There are so many things that I want to accomplish and things that I want to learn. I'm almost excited I think??
I won't say that I've made goals so much as plans. I always fail at reaching goals. Mostly because I make goals so unachievable that I set myself up to fail!
I believe baby steps are the way to go and I've made some big plans for myself.
There's a lot to be said for the things that sleep does for the body, soul and mind. I've been trying to get some rest and it's amazing how much clearer the world seems when you aren't wired for sound.
I think it's the rest that my poor little body had been lacking, that ultimately sent me crashing down in a big heap. And I recognise and acknowledge the things I need to do to make my life easier and better.
Long gone is the pining for someone else in my life to fill the hole that my beloved Husband left. You'll possibly note that I speak of him fondly at the moment. And that is because no matter how much I try to pretend that I am glad that he left, I'm not. I miss him terribly and what is the point in denying the feelings in my heart? There isn't any. And so, until I do finally get past the loss I feel, there is no point in holding onto / pretending a bitterness that really doesn't exist. The anger and hurt remain, but I have to feel it. And ultimately, I have to forgive myself. All the feelings really go hand in hand. And so I truly believe that in order for me to move forward, then I must feel what I feel and learn to live with it.
I refuse to pretend to be something or someone that I'm not. I will not be replacing or filling the hole that I feel in my heart with a 'fix it' man. I must learn and grow and discover. Only then will I know true happiness, within myself and with someone else.
I am going to finish my course, I am going to become a JP, I am going to learn sign language and I am going to do a photography course. I will be sorting out my house and clearing out the clutter. I will be working towards another overseas holiday. I will be spending more time at home and less time out. I will be eating healthier and attempting some exercise. I will be quitting smoking. I will be sorting out my garden and attempting to grow some flowers. I will be spending more time with my Mum and Dad. I will be working hard and being the best employee that I can be. I will be sleeping more and stressing less. I will be spending less and saving more. I will be doing things I want to do and learning to say no. In short (or long in this case) - I'm off to find myself.
So here I am, grateful for my new outlook on life. Grateful for sleep and a clear mind. Go me!
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