Day 58 - Today I am grateful for....the END of 2010

OMG. What a horrible year.

Lost Love. Lost Friendship. Divorce. Turning 30. Financial Hardship. Devastation. Loss. Pain. Heartache.

For me 2010 was just as horrible as its twin Brother, 2009.

There were definately some joys, don't get me wrong.....

I was ecstatic for my friends who got engaged this year. I'm loving the new friendships formed and the old ones made stronger. I'm thankful for people's patience with me. I'm endlessly grateful for the support from family and friends. I'm delighted with my sustained 20kg weightloss. I'm in love with the renovations of MY home.

But despite that, and the fact that I'm trying to be grateful every day, I just feel an emptiness in my heart all the time. I put on my smile and hope that if I pretend for long enough, the reality will come.

In truth, hope is ultimately a waste of time. All the wishing in the world will not bring back anything I've lost. My prayers remain unanswered. My heart remains hollowed out. My reality is where I sit right now.

And so I look forward to the opportunities in 2011. My 31st year. Let it please be better than the last couple. I've got some things I'd like to achieve this year and so many fabulous things to look forward to. So bring it on!

So today, I'm grateful to be saying goodbye to a tough year. And hello to a brand new one!

When God closes a door, somewhere he always opens a window....

Day 57 - Today I am grateful for....a shoulder to cry on

Another horrible day.

Gosh, it must be just one of those months I reckon.

Today was especially hideous. I actually cried. It's been a long time between tears I guess but today was just not a good day.

So I went looking for my Mum and I just cried and cried.

My Mum is just such an amazing lady. I don't know what I'd do without her. My voice of reason. My sounding board. My font of neverending advice. She just hugged me and it was the only thing I needed or wanted.

I barely even know why I was crying. So many reasons, so many tears. Mascara smudged all down my face, swollen red eyes and just so much pain. Somehow Mum's just know what to say and how to make you feel better. Mine does at least.

Even she says that I must have run over a truckload of chinamen! Not just one.

So today, when I'm really struggling for things to be grateful for, I'm thankful for her. And an unconditional loving shoulder to cry on. I love you Mum xxx

Day 56 - Today I am grateful for....simplicity

Today I've decided to preempt something that I'd like to be grateful for....simplicity.

Take it as you will but honestly, I'd really like my life to be simple. I don't want pain in my heart. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want the memories of love lost. I don't want to be treated poorly. I don't want to feel insignificant or lonely. I don't want to feel so empty inside all of the time because I'm so focused on helping other people, that I forget to take care of myself.

So I'm going to make sure that one of my New Years Resolutions, is just that. Simplify. Simplify. Simplify.

I don't need complications. Not in life. Not in love. Not in finance. Not in friendships. Not in health. Not in lifestyle. Not in ANYTHING. And really, the only person who can achieve that is me.

I want to be able to go to work, come home, give my kids a cuddle, do my blog, and go to bed - each day. I don't really care how boring that might sound to an outsider. I believe wholeheartedly that that is what I need, at least for a little while.

I'm tired of the drama that I create for myself. I'm tired of problems. I'm tired of being the person that everyone downloads on. I'm tired of worrying all the time. I'm tired of myself and who I am. I'm just tired. I want to enjoy my simple existence and learn from it. I need to get back to the basics and find myself again.

So often, my heart hurts for the people in my life. So many times, I wish I could take their pain away for them. So many times I wish I could fix every problem, every time. And sometimes I just can't. But there's no one to fix my problems. No one to take away my pain. No one to ask if I'm OK. In truth, I focus on other people's problems, so that I don't have to think about my own. I become so ensonced in people's lives that I forget to live my own. I've forgotten who I am. I'm not sure I ever really knew?

I very often feel like the worst Person / Friend / Daughter / Sister in the world. I try to please so many people, often all at once, that I end up letting someone down. I try very hard not to but it happens. I don't want to be that person. I try so hard to be that one person who makes a difference in someone's life, no matter how small, that I forget to make a difference in my own life. How can I possibly expect to be loved and nurtured when I don't love and care for myself?

I don't want to sound ungrateful for, or dismissive of, the countless special things in my life. I really don't. Because I am. I have a wonderful family and many amazing friends. I am employed and I own my own home. I have beautiful pets and I am healthy. But I believe that for me to truly appreciate what I do have, then I need to really take stock of what is important, and what just isn't. I need to learn how to not sweat the small stuff.

So, from here on in, I vow and declare that I will simplify my life. Perhaps if I step back a little bit, I'll find out who actually comes looking for me. I'll find out who actually cares about me and who doesn't. Perhaps it will be a hard lesson for me to learn? Will anyone come looking for me? We'll see. Either way, I'll hopefully find the me that was lost a really long time ago...

But for now, I'm pre-empting a grateful that I forsee in my immediate future. Simplicity. Sold.

Day 55 - Today I am grateful for....an afternoon at Heaven's Gate

What a lovely day I've had today!

I had a big sleep in this morning.....my goodness I needed it.

Then I watched a movie, changed my loungeroom around and called my friend, Andrea.

"Come on down!", she said. And so I did.

Afternoon Tea at Heaven's Gate....aka Murphy's Creek. Who could have asked for a better way to spend the end of your day?

  

I just love spending time at Andrea & Paul's. It's like a second home to me and they are my second family. I've kind of made them adopt me and we literally spend so much time together. Occasionally, I worry that I am encroaching on their family time, but I'd like to think that if I was, they'd let me know.

Murphy's Creek is a really beautiful little town down the range a little way. I don't know how to actually describe where it is because my car just kind of drives there. But it's always green, and the birds chirp and the frogs croak. A gentle breeze blows as we drink coffee on the deck and look out on the beautiful view of the mountains. There are animals everywhere at their beautiful old homestead and there isn't another place on earth beside my own home and my parent's home, that I feel so safe and loved.

We've shared some really wonderful times together in the last 12 months and honestly, one of my favourite things to come out of my messy breakup, was my friendship with Andrea. We would probably never have become as close as we have without it.

She is such an amazing woman. So strong and independent and loving. I love every hair on her head! There is never a silent moment between us. Ever. We talk and laugh and sometimes cry. She's an amazing cook and we enjoy many family dinners together. We are kindred spirits and I believe are destined to be friends forever.

In fact there are a couple of close friendships that I've developed in the last year that would never have happened if I'd not been through the pain I have. Would I have opened my heart to those friendships and leaned on people as much as I did if I hadn't? Probably not. And as my girlfriend, Ronnie said to me "I'd make you go through every second of the pain again, for us to be friends, because I value our friendship too much to not have you in my life." And she's right.

I'm very fortunate to have the people around me that I do. The real friendships that I value so much.

And so today, I'm so grateful for a lovely afternoon with one of my best friends, her family and their beautiful home at Heaven's Gate. As close to Heaven as we can get on earth. Love you xxx

Day 54 - Today I am grateful for....a second thought

For the last 2 days I've been obsessing over buying a new computer.

The one I have is leased, and it is literally the most useless arrangement that I've ever willingly entered myself into.

What kind of imbecile knowingly signs a contract for $100 a month, for four years for a laptop worth $2000, at which time at the end of it, I will not own outright? Me. What a complete loser.

Meanwhile, not only have I entered into the worst contract in the world, but I managed to purchase / lease the worst computer in the world. I've replaced the ram and the motherboard myself in the last 12 months. And now the sound isn't working at all and every so often, it just won't let me type anymore. I then have to turn the stupid thing on and off a thousand times before it works again. I just don't know what I was thinking.

The new computer I want is a touchscreen desktop and comes with a bonus camera. Which would be awesome! I'm wanting to study photography this year and the bonus camera is a digital SLR. All systems point to go but on second thoughts, I just cannot afford it.

If and when my housemate moves out in a few weeks, I'll be on my own again and struggling to survive. Can I really justify an extra $120 a month which I don't have for something, that I really don't need? Probably not.

Oh it would be so lovely though. A computer that actually works. What a treat!

But for now, I need to trust my instincts and use my brain, instead of following my heart, which we all know I'm want to do, so that I don't make a poor judgement.....again. I cannot afford a new computer and so I'm not going to stress myself out by putting myself into financial hardship again. Not this time.

So today, I'm grateful for second thoughts. Nature's way of protecting against a poor decision, even when you don't want it to be so.....

Day 53 - Today I am grateful for....NOT having a Credit Card

I'm not going to lie. I'm pretty hopeless with money. Hence, I don't have a credit card.

Well, even when I did the stupid thing was maxed out anyway but when it comes to Boxing Day sales, it would have been nice to be able to go for a sticky at least.

But I stayed home for most of the day instead.

This afternoon, I went for a little tour of Toowoomba with Mum and my Aunty Julie (who wants to move here) and then we went to Grand Central for lunch. Surprisingly, it wasn't nearly as feral as I'd imagined. In fact, it was quieter than a normal Saturday. No pushy people flying past desperate for a bargain. No tired or stressed out shop owners. And really, not too many people walking around with armfuls of purchases.

Let's be honest though, do you really save that much at the Boxing Day sales? I don't really know. I doubt it.

I don't know that I could have really coped with the people today though so I'm pretty glad we didn't go early.

I picked up a couple of things but what I really want and need is a new computer. That isn't looking particularly likely unfortunately for me.

If I had a credit card, I think I could have made a real mess for myself though, which I probably would have regretted for many months to come. It's hard enough trying to keep my head above water without paying for things that I don't reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllly need.

So to keep it short and sweet today, I'm grateful that I don't have a credit card and can't make things harder for myself than necessary. The end.

Day 52 - Today I am grateful for....Family Christmas

Today is Christmas Day and I'm not going to lie, but it doesn't really feel like Christmas. I'm not sure why, but it just doesn't. I'm not the only one who has made that comment this year so it's not just me being melodramatic....

Whilst a bit of a downer, it is however, the one day of the year, that we all get to catch up and eat and drink and laugh.

This year was especially great as I got to meet my new Nieces, Sasha & Zoe - cute! We've never had short people at our Christmas before. It's usually just Mum, Dad, me and occasionally my Aunty Julie. More recently, we have been joined by my Brother, Andrew & his wife Stacey. And this year, we were plus two more! What a treat.

I love spending time with my family. My Mum is the most amazing cook in the world, so our Christmas looked like this:

It was awesome!

We all ate too much and had a fabulous time. Where else in the world can you go and spend time with amazing people and get spoilt (for no real valid reason), to celebrate someone else's Birthday? We managed to catch up on a whole year in a matter of hours, while trying to control two very mobile toddlers! No mean feat....

I was extremely spoilt by my parents, my family and several of my friends. Whilst I appreciate the gesture and the time put into to giving me so many special things (which I don't expect), what I love the most about Christmas is watching the people I love open the treasures that I found for them. I try really hard to make sure that the gifts that I give mean something and have thought attached and whilst I might not be able to always afford the biggest and the best, I do what I can. At the end of the day, it really is the thought that counts. And frankly, if you could box up all the love that I feel for my family and friends....well you would just never find a box big enough.

It was a fairly bitter sweet day today though. So many emotions and memories flooded through me. I awoke alone in my bed, again. I guess when I closed my eyes last night, I vaguely hoped that Santa would bring me the most precious kind of gift......the end of a very long and horrible nightmare. Alas, it was not to be and I woke up to Christmas, the same way I do every other day. Alone. I half heartedly attempted to clean my house, expecting to feel some kind of something but that didn't come either. I put on some Christmas Carols to perk myself up but that kind of failed too so I put together a couple of platters, kissed my kids goodbye and headed over to my parents for lunch. And although greeted with many hugs and much excitement, the emptiness in my heart just didn't really lift.

I bumbled though the day, playing with the kids and smiling and chatting and laughing but my heart really wasn't in it.

But tonight, I sat down with my Mum, Dad & Aunty Julie to watch Anne of Green Gables (my favourite movie), and I felt better. I felt calm and content. Although I feel alone, I realise I am not. And as I said to a girlfriend of mine, who had fairly similar feelings about today, it's times like today that it's so important to remember the people in our life who do matter and who love you so much. And the people who don't care, don't matter. And so I bid farewell to sad memories until next year. I hope that the pain in my heart will have lifted sufficiently by then for it to feel like Christmas again. I hope that enough time will have passed that the burdens of Christmases past will be a very far distant memory, with only new and happy ones to take their place.

So today, I'm so grateful for special time spent with family and for a very Merry Christmas xxx

Day 51 - Today I am grateful for....Random Acts of Kindness

I received the most amazing bunch of flowers today. In fact, it was a dozen long stemmed red roses.

The note read....."Told you Santa was a good friend of mine. Don't ever forget what a great person you are. Hope you and your family have a happy and safe Christmas. Merry Christmas, Anthony".

I've been feeling pretty down lately. I'm not sure why. I guess it's just that time of year. I've been trying really hard to get into the spirit of things but some memories just end up kicking me in the a*se. I can't help but wonder if that pain will ever leave me but it just doesn't seem to feel like Christmas, no matter how hard I try? Maybe it's the memories of my Husband leaving me at Christmas? Maybe it's the lack of sunshine and heat? Maybe it's the fact that all of the rain has made my working life a nightmare? Maybe it's the lack of Christmas Cheer in everyone? Or maybe it's the lack of a significant other to share the fun with? I don't know. It just doesn't feel right. I wonder if it ever will again....

So to have received my favourite thing in the whole world today, flowers, really made me smile.

My old friend, Anthony was joking around with me last night that he was good friends with the Jolly Fat Guy in the Red Suit! He wasn't joking. Apparently I've been a good girl this year.....

I honestly thought we were just talking rubbish as we often do. I had no idea that he would actually send me flowers. It was so random and unexpected but so thoroughly exactly what I needed.

Anthony and I have been friends for over 12 years. I don't even really know exactly how we became friends but I guess it was through Uni. He moved to Sydney and had two beautiful children and has since moved back up to Brisbane. We hadn't talked in a long time but over the past 12 months, we kind of stumbled across each others paths again and the rest is history. Almost every day, he sends me a text asking me how I am. He's very sweet and thoughtful like that. I, on the other hand, am completely useless on text and it can take me some time to reply. I read all messages that I receive from everyone but sometimes I then get distracted....whoops!

There is so much to be said for random acts of kindness. The good deeds in life that make someone else feel special. Just like a thoughtful gesture, a random act of kindness can really make your heart sing. But it's such a surprise that you don't know whether to laugh or cry. Like when a girlfriend pays for your dinner unexpectedly or when a friend steals your car and cleans it as a surprise for you or when you receive a text from someone just because they've been thinking of you. It's the times where you are so caught off guard.

So today, I'm so thankful for the random act of kindness that you have shown me today. Merry Christmas xxx

Day 50 - Today I am grateful for....not having to go to the shops again!

I've finished my Christmas shopping. On Tuesday night in fact.

I'm not sure what it is about holidays, but people seem to panic whenever there is a day where the shops actually close. I really don't understand it? People, the shops will open again.

But honestly, Grand Central at Christmas is just about as big of a nightmare as one could imagine.

It's hard to get a car park, there are millions of people everywhere, you can never find what you're looking for, kids are on school holidays, people are grumpy and then there are the carollers....oh dear.

I love Christmas Carols, don't get me wrong, but they are best sung in tune, let's be honest.

So I'm pretty glad that I was semi organised this year. I was able to do my Christmas shopping easily and grocery shopping this week without incident.

My Boss, Katie told me yesterday that she hadn't started her Christmas shopping and she had like 100 people to buy for. So the plan was to go tonight until midnight and if that failed, they were off to Brisbane where it is open 24 hours. OMG. I think I would rather chop off my own arm, than face shopping in Brisbane after midnight.....kudos to them but I just couldn't do it.

So today, I'm uber-grateful that I don't have to go anywhere near the shops again until next week when my kids are hungry.....ha ha

Day 49 - Today I am grateful for....Young People :-)

My gorgeous little girlfriend, Georgia invited me around for a Christmas Party tonight.

She cooked up a storm and it was really yummy. Together with a bunch of her young friends, we enjoyed some laughs and some good spirited games of Celebrity Head. It was fun!

Georgia & I have been close since she worked at RE/MAX in 2009. Not only is she beautiful and talented, but she is studying law, is mad about politics, has travelled the world and breeds fish. She has accomplished so much in her 19 years. Whilst real estate wasn't for her, we have remained bosom buddies.

She makes me feel young. I forget all the time that she is only 19. We've laughed and cried together on many occasions. She's there for me when I need someone, as I am for her.

It was strange being around all of her friends tonight though. I felt like the horrid old hag in the corner. But it made me realise, I'm pretty cool for an old girl. Well I must be, because the vast majority of my friends are much younger than me. I'm not sure how that's happened but I don't mind.

It's interesting when you can add a different slant on a conversation, that only comes from life experience. It's fun to hear them rattle on about Justin Bieber (God help me), boys, partying, drinking, boys, work, drinking, boys. Life was so simple at that age.

Some days I wish wholeheartedly that I could turn back time and be 19 again but then I'm kind of glad that I've experienced the things I have, because it's made me stronger as a person and more able to assist as a friend. When they are having boy troubles, I can lend a caring shoulder to cry on and some wise words. When they are having life problems, I can chime in as the voice of reason because I've been there. When they decide to be hating on their parents for whatever reason, I can gently remind them that eventually, one day, they'll be best friends with their Mum, their Dad will be an awesome guy and their Sister / Brother won't always be such a pain.

They, in turn, remind me not to take life so seriously all the time....

I like to think that my non-judgemental personality is what draws young people to me? I'm not really sure if that's really what it is. But it's like they feel they can tell me anything, (and they do) and I'm not going to love them any less. I'm a sounding board for a decision. I'm the nurturing cuddle when they need one. I'll call a spade a spade though, so I'm unlikely to soften a blow if I think what they're doing is madness. I give them respect, an open ear and love. And as a teenager / young adult, that's all you want. Not to feel like a child.

So today, I'm grateful for the young people in my life, who in turn make me feel young again :-)

Day 48 - Today I am grateful for....uncomfortable shoes and the subsequent removal of same :-)

I bought a new pair of shoes a few months ago for a wedding.

I've not worn them until today.

They are beautiful and I just love them. And they were really comfortable in the shop.

I saw them sitting in my cupboard this morning and I thought, why not? I never got to wear them, why not today? So I did....

Unfortunately, they perhaps weren't designed to be worn for 12 hours....

My feet are burning underneath. I'm walking around like some crippled creature and I was really thankful to take them off tonight.

So today, I'm grateful for uncomfortable shoes and the subsequent removal of same....ha ha

Day 47 - Today I am grateful for....a clear day!

I think I might have fallen out of bed on the wrong side this morning.

It really didn't start well at all. I woke up feeling like death warmed up and really didn't feel much better for the rest of the day. Plus I was grumpy and the sky certainly matched my mood - it was overcast.....again.

The day droned on and on and my mood didn't lift but another miracle occured instead....the sun came out!

I had nearly forgotten what a clear day looks like. By lunchtime, there wasn't a cloud in the sky! And it wasn't hot....it was lovely, perfect weather.

I got home and my kids are dry and happy. Even they are sick of the wet weather!

There's a lot to be said for how the weather affects people's moods. I know it certainly affects mine.

And although the clear sky didn't cheer me up as such, it certainly made me grateful.....

Day 46 - Today I am grateful for....a Christmas Miracle

Tonight marked the occasion of my inaugural Christmas Party.

We had lots of amazing food and lots of laughs. I'm quite confident that everyone ate too much but I think everyone had a good time.

I love spending time with my friends and they are not unlike family to me. It's Christmas and everyone is happy. It's a special time and time for me to thank the wonderful people in my life, for sharing my life with me.

However, the night took a sinister end when friends of mine were driving home and were attacked in their car.

Very quickly we were at the scene to find the very distraught family close to tears but unharmed.

Driving home, they had slowed down to avoid hitting teenagers running all over the road, and their car was attacked by said youths with obviously nothing better to do with their time. Smashing a letterbox into the passenger window, they terrorised the daylights out of the innocent child in the backseat, not to mention her terrified parents in the front.

I'm not going to lie, I was frightened driving there after receiving the call. I wasn't sure what we were going to find. Although they said they were OK, it's the panic in your heart that doesn't let up until you see them for yourself, that is the worst.

Although clearly shaken up, they were thankfully OK. It could have been so much worse. But it wasn't.

As I stood there and watched; the police took statements, the WIN news filmed away, the ambulance came, more police came, the little girl cried and I couldn't help but wonder where the parents of the children who caused this unnecessary havoc, were? What on earth would possess someone to intentionally try to hurt or injure an innocent family? Are they so bored with life that they would consider that sport? I just can't begin to even fathom it.

Toowoomba seems to have taken a massive turn for the worst recently. The gangs and violence astound me. Our quiet, sleepy little town has turned into a breeding ground for thugs and hooligans.

Only a couple of months ago, a girlfriend of mine was beaten whilst taking a run at night. Again, thankfully, she was OK. Bruised and battered but alive.

My little flatmate, Kathy isn't a fan of the police. And I know a lot of people aren't. But I'm OK with them. I'd much rather have them on my side. I believe they do what they can with the limited resources that they have. Yes, there are the bad ones, the unreasonable ones, the unfair ones, the corrupt ones but they're not all like that. Everyone's been pulled over for speeding in their driving lifetime, but you know what? That's their job. And frankly, if I'm speeding, then so be it. Although, I'm grumpy at the time, I do deserve it! I do think that their response time sometimes is poor, but they were right on tap tonight. They had the dogs out and there seemed to be policemen everywhere. Good!

But seriously, what is the world coming to? I'll never understand the violence in society today. I'll never understand the mindset for anyone to want to hurt another person. It's a completely different world to the one I grew up in. The one where children were safe playing in the street with their friends. The one where it was safe to walk home at night time by yourself. The one where being bored on a Sunday night, meant going to bed early. The one where hanging out with your friends meant playing board games.

Is it any wonder that I want to lock my children in the attic and home school them? I have said it many times in jest, but seriously, when the world around us is in such a dismal state, at least I would know that they are safe, not taking drugs or being exposed to things that they don't need to be exposed to so young and they would be educated. Although fanatical, it's quickly becoming a very tempting idea....

But for now, I thank God and am so grateful that my friends are safe and unharmed. A genuine Christmas Miracle. Love you xxx

Day 45 - Today I am grateful for....Christmas Movies

I had a really busy day today.

I whizzed down to the Gold Coast for a couple of hours and then tried to fit in a little bit of Christmas shopping and cleaning of my house.

I made myself some dinner and then I sat down and re-wrapped my Christmas presents that were ruined the other night. Thankfully most of the presents are OK, it's just the wrapping that met a sorry end....

To get myself in the Christmas spirit, I put on a Christmas movie. The Holiday.

Ahhhhh.....Jude Law. How I love thee....It's made me even more convinced that my Prince Charming just doesn't live in Australia.

A psychic once told me that I would marry an English man and move to England and have two sons. I would move back to Australia when the boys were 10 & 11 respectively. The same psychic also told me that I would be offered a scholarship to study at Oxford University......hmmmm.

But back to the task at hand....Christmas movies.

There are many movies that I love that involve Christmas. From Miracle on 34th Street, to the Grinch, to Home Alone to The Family Stone, to the Holiday. I don't know what it is about them. Perhaps it's the snow? Perhaps it's the happy times that people appear to have, aside from the epic drama that unfolds around them? Perhaps it's the real Christmas Trees? Perhaps it's the hot Christmas dinners that I believe I can almost smell through the TV? I'm not sure what it is or why I think it, but it kind of epitomises Christmas, for me at least.

One day I will have a cold Christmas. Just myself. Somewhere brilliantly cold and snowing. With a massive real Christmas tree and an open fire place. Bliss.

One day I will see the Christmas Tree in Rockafeller Centre in New York City. One day I will drink eggnog in front of a fireplace in London. One day....

But for now, given that I live in Australia (potentially the hottest or wettest place on earth, depending where you are), I will have to continue to live vicariously through my TV screen and into the lives of fictional Christmases and characters.

So today I'm grateful for some escapism so close to Christmas :-)

Day 44 - Today I am grateful for....a weekend off!

I'm not going to lie, this week has been just hideous.

I haven't been able to catch a break.

Work has been a nightmare, with all the rain and roof leaks. I've been chasing my tail work wise.

It kind of feels like everyone wants a piece of me and frankly, there is only one of me!

I've done a 13 day stretch and I'm feeling it. I'm tired, I'm grumpy, I'm worn out. My mind and body are as water logged as Toowoomba.

And then when my roof leaked last night, it was just the straw that has broken the camels back.

So today, I'm grateful for a whole weekend off!

I'm heading to the coast briefly tomorrow, then home to clean clean clean for my little Christmas Party on Sunday night.

But today, first things first. I've got two whole days off and I'm uber-excited!

Day 43 - Today I am grateful for....my lawn being mowed BEFORE the rain

OMG - what a dreadful day.

Not only did we have more water crash on Toowoomba than I've ever seen, but my own roof leaked and all of the Christmas presents that I had lovingly wrapped are now lost. My Christmas tree is soaking wet, there is water coming out of my light fittings and out of my window frames! For God's sake, when will I catch a break?

Let's face it, today really didn't start well.

I had a mad doctor appointment first up this morning, which put me out of sorts for most of the day, then I was late for a showing for work and then had to meet an unhappy Landlord who had been waiting for 40 minutes in the blistering heat because of a mixup in the diary. I seemed to chase my tail all day, work wise and then the rain started.....

What a nightmare.

It got to the point where we had SES on standby, the phones were ringing off the hook and all of us were literally soaked to the bone.

I hate Maintenance when it rains. It's just miserable. I know I've mentioned it a thousand times before but honestly, there is no other time as a Property Manager when you feel so helpless.

The roads were flooded coming home and then to arrive home and find that my own roof had leaked, has just made an already horrible day.....well, worse.

So the only thing I can find to be grateful for today is that my mower man came this morning and was able to mow my lawn BEFORE it rained.

That is all.

Day 42 - Today I am grateful for....a cool summer breeze

It was really hot today!

Summer kind of snuck up on everyone. It's been raining for weeks and then all of a sudden, it's hot. Just like that!


I've been whinging like a girl for the past few weeks because I'm so sick of the rain. And now, I'm going to whinge again, because I hate the heat.

Let's be honest, there are only so many layers you can take off before you are down to skin.....and it's STILL hot!!! Blah.

I'm not going to lie. I'm not a fan of Summer. We're not friends. Let's face it. I'm no beach bunny. I don't have the beautiful tanned skin to go with the perfectly sculpted body that matches perfectly with my lovely blonde hair. I'm so white that I glow in the dark. I don't have a beautiful body, and certainly not a functional one most of the time and I have red hair! In fact, if anything I'm a snow bunny. I'm a winter girl through and through.

As a pale skinned, blue eyed red head, I simply have to look at a photo of the sun and I burn. And when I burn, I really burn and go a darker shade of...well, white.

I like the kind of Summer that they have in the UK......

In my younger sillier years, I gave the tanning lotion a go. Epic fail. Burnt to a crisp and no tan in sight! I am proud to say that I've never been silly enough to get into a tanning bed.

I have tried to like Summer, I really have but I just don't. I don't like being hot. I don't like sweating. I don't like being unable to sleep at night. I don't like burning in the sun walking 10m. The extremes in temperature really wreak havoc on my body and it's just not worth it to me.

If I could live in the North Pole, I probably would. Although I'm sure I'd find something to whinge about there too!

But at the moment, whilst we had a stinker today, I was in the air conditioning at work for most of the day, and then after work, the sun went down, and ahhhhhhh bliss. A lovely cool breeze.

My perfect Summer. Warm days (whilst I'm in the air con) and a lovely cool breeze at night time.

So today, I'm uber-grateful for the cool nights. I just hope they stick around......

Day 41 - Today I am grateful for....Music

Tonight I'm going to see Bon Jovi.

I'm a little bit excited.

Not only are they one of my favourite bands, but they are one of the greatest bands ever!

I love music.


I'm musically challenged in terms of being able to play an instrument and I can't sing but I try. I'll never be a rock star but that's OK by me.

I've got a very broad taste in music. I love everything from Pavarotti, to Linkin Park, to Muse, to AC/DC, to Pink, to The Dixie Chicks and everything in between. I have a very broad and eclectic taste. I love Top 40. I love classical. I love country. I love rock.

I don't love Jazz, the blues, Scandanavian death metal or heavy rock. I like songs where you can hear the words and they mean something.


Old friends of mine who are extremely musically talented were in a band and I went to nearly every gig they played. I even managed them for a time. Mainly country, both girls were exceptionally talented and could sing and play a guitar like nobody's business! They released a CD together and one of them has since released a solo EP. I enjoyed many a fun time following them to the Tamworth Country Music Festival and to various gigs around QLD / NSW. It was a really special time in my life.

Music also really helped me when my Husband left. Whilst my taste in music at that time was sad, lost love kind of stuff, it really helped me. I didn't listen to any music in my home, just in my car to and from work. That was enough to get me through. I especially loved Jessica Mauboy and Gina Horswood. Both of these girls sang songs that I could almost swear mirrored my life. I would play the same songs over and over and over. I'd cry and sing my little heart out. It was cathartic at the time.

I've been to see a number of big bands in my lifetime, including Michael Jackson, Oasis, Pink, The Dixie Chicks, AC/DC, Keith Urban and now Bon Jovi. I love good live music. I'd have given my arm to see U2 but it just was horrible timing so I'll have to wait for another time.

I love music so much that we even planned our entire Europe Tour in 2009 around a Pink concert. It was worth it but flying a long haul flight from NYC, arriving in Brisbane at 6:30am for a concert that night was an epic mission. Enjoyable but we nearly fell asleep during the concert!

I am obviously one of the many millions of people who were devastated by the loss of Michael Jackson. And I'm not ashamed to say it. Frankly, I didn't know the man. I cannot comment on his lifestyle choices or his personality. I can only say that he was one of the most talented musicians in the world. His concert was amazing and I remember it clearly. I was in Barcelona, Spain when the news filtered across the world to us of his tragic passing and I was really sad. Noone can deny the man's talent.

So today, I'm grateful for Music. Although not musically blessed, I enjoy it and I think I always will.....

Day 40 - Today I am grateful for....Christmas Cheer

I just love Christmas.

There's something about it that just makes me happy inside.

People are happy and friendly. I love setting up my Christmas tree. I love tinsel. I love mistletoe. I love Christmas carols. I love wrapping presents. I love watching people's faces when they open them. I love Christmas food. I love time spent with family and friends. I just love Christmas.

Christmas has always been a really special time in my family. Each year, Mum & Dad and I used to go and choose a special Christmas decoration to hang on our tree. It's a tradition that we have that started when I was born. Although our tree eventually got to small for it, so I've decided to let my Mother know that I'm inheriting the decorations next year and they will be hung on my mammoth Christmas tree and I will continue the tradition for the rest of my life.

My Mum always cooks amazing food at Christmas time and I always go home feeling like I'm going to explode. My Brother, his wife and usually My Aunty Julie join us. This year it will be even more special because my Brother's brand new baby twin girls will be joining us! We've haven't had short people at our Christmas for many years. It will put a whole new spin on things I believe.

I'm really looking forward to Christmas this year.

Let's face it, last year was a non-event. Christmas didn't exist in my world. I didn't even set up my tree. I've never had such a miserable time in my life ever. And for me, that's saying a lot. I'm the biggest Christmas freak known to man. I'm even known to play Christmas carols in my car. I'm a big fan of Bing Crosby, I'm not going to lie.....

I've only done half of the Christmas shopping that I need to though, which is a bit scary. I guess I'll get there but I'm a little bit stressed. I'm looking forward to a few days off and some time with friends and family.

So Christmas 2010 had better not let me down!

So here's to Christmas Cheer and a happy festive season to everyone I know and love!

Day 39 - Today I am grateful for....Time with my Big Sister

Today I am grateful for time spent with my big Sister.

It was my priviledge to spend some time with my goregous Sister Michele and her equally amazing friend Jenny tonight.

Shel and her little family live in Theodore, which is just a little stroll down the way.....approx 5 hours!! We only get to see each other a couple of times a year, so time with them is precious.

Lucky for me, we're going to see Bon Jovi on Tuesday night, so she's in town before we head to Brisbane.

Shel, my other Sister, Karyn and I are related through our biological Father. It's a fairly long and complicated (and very boring) story, so in short, we have different Mothers, same biological Father but we choose to be in each other's lives.

Karyn is a beautiful, talented and intelligent woman with a wicked sense of humour. She is a flight attendant with a local airline in Townsville and has two beautiful Sons, Todd & Dean and a lovely Husband, Mark. I don't get to see Karyn as much as I would like to, as she lives in Townsville but it's like we've never been apart when we do catch up. She is amazing fun and has seen me through many a tough time in my life.

Shel is still a fair distance away, but we catch up whenever she is in town visiting Jenny & Miles or I take the hike to Theo for some time with my big Sister. She is the local Hairdresser in downtown Theodore and together with her Husband Ben, and two gorgeous daughters, Georgia & Olivia, they live on a beautiful property down the road. Shel is my tough love Sister and gives me a good kick up the bum when I need it. Not unlike me, she isn't one to mince words - calls a spade a spade. And again, she too is beautiful, amazingly strong with an amazing sense of humour. She's seen me at my best and my worst. When I need to regroup, it's not uncommon for me to go to Theodore. It's bordering on running away but it's in the middle of nowhere, it's peaceful and she's there.

The three of us really don't look anything alike, although we all laugh the same and have similar mannerisms. We all share a fabulous sense of humour and I love sharing a gene pool with them. It was fairly lonely growing up as an only child. They had each other but I was so little and so far away and it would be a good 20 years before we all got together again. And we'll never be apart ever again.

I love that I'm not really an only child. Although I grew up with just Mum, Dad & our pets, I have an amazing extended family of Half Sisters, Step Sister and Step Brother. I'm blessed.

Family is family. No matter what form it comes in. All the "Halfs" & "Steps" mean nothing. Whilst not all blood related we are still family and I cherish each of my siblings for everything that they are and bring to my life.

So tonight, I jumped at the opportunity to catch up with Shel & Jenny. Some laughs and a few ciggies and some perspective was just what I needed. Love you xxx

Day 38 - Today I am grateful for....Work Christmas Parties

Saturday night marked the inaugural RE/MAX Success Christmas Party.

A night sure to be filled with laughter, fun and Christmas cheer! It didn't let us down.

As a supporter of Camp Quality, we held a Charity Auction in which we raised over $4000. So many local businesses donated merchandise and even people from work (including me) offered services including car detailing, taxi services and massages. Perhaps there is something to be said for alcohol mixed with bargains.....

I love that work parties always bring out a different side to people. The fun side. Everyone is relaxed and having fun. With around 80 people joining in the merriment, it's the one night of the year where we get the chance to let our hair down....together.

I didn't drink too much, mainly because it just isn't worth it to me in the morning. Plus I took one for the team and offered to work today. I don't mind working the day after our Christmas party. I'm not a huge drinker, so it doesn't really bother me. I partook in the festivities but was home by midnight.

It's always a treat getting to know people on a personal level, outside of work hours. Management arranged for us each to supply a baby photo of ourselves plus 5 things no one would know about us. Sometimes we have a Christmas Book which detail the antics of the year gone by. Last year we received trophies for funny things. In  years passed, we have googled what our perfect jobs would be in life, based on our names. Mine was the rear end of a pantomime cow. Awesome.

I always have a great time and it's lovely to spend time with work mates in a happy atmosphere. There is no pressure, no deadlines, no unhappy Landlords or Tenants. Just fun times. It was my 8th RE/MAX Christmas Party and I just love it! The only downside was the mild annoyance of attending yet another function....alone. But really, when the people that you work with are as awesome as the ones I do, there's no need to feel alone :-)

So today I'm grateful for my work Christmas Party, the amazing people that I work with and the fact that I don't have a hangover this morning....win!

Day 37 - Today I am grateful for....Tomorrow

So....today was not a fabulous day.

It's becoming increasingly hard at the moment to find my grateful bone. Especially today.

Work is literally kicking my ass at the moment. It's crazy busy. Everyone is stressed and patience doesn't exist in the real estate world.

I'm overtired, and worn out.

So today I'm going to keep it short and sweet.....I'm grateful for tomorrow.

I'm grateful that the sun will come up on a brand new day and hopefully it won't be as terrible as today :-)

Day 36 - Today I am grateful for....Pay Day

I've never been so grateful for pay day as I have been in recent weeks.

Things have been pretty tough, I'm not going to lie.

I know I'm not alone and certainly not the only person in the world doing it tough right now, but in my world, it's hard work, especially when you are on your own.

When my Husband left, I was left with almost nothing. I was living in our home but I struggled on my own. Dealing with the pain and trying to sort out financial stuff - it was hard. During the period of time previously, I had been extremely spoilt in my lifestyle, due the generosity of his parents. We didn't have the burden of a mortgage or car loans. Just the day to day bills which are much easier to handle when you have two incomes in your household. When he left though, I realised very quickly that money isn't everything and it certainly doesn't buy happiness. In my opinion, it ultimately makes people greedy and vicious.

So I went out and I got a loan, as I was determined not to lose my house, when I had done nothing wrong. As part of our settlement, I bought my Ex-Husband out of our home. I'm happy here, my animals are happy here, it's quiet and frankly, I didn't want to move. I was approved, thanks to my employers and am now a proper home owner. But it's still hard work on your own. Paying a mortgage with one income isn't easy. I manage and have survived, although sometimes I have no idea how?

I've ended up with a flatmate which is fine. She's a doll and really easy to live with. And she's rarely home which is a bit of a win for me. Not that I don't enjoy having her around but sometimes I do miss my own space. Some extra money is helpful and hopefully with some time, I might actually be able to save some of it!

But you know what? I'm bloody proud of the things that I've achieved in the last 12 months. Yes I'm in debt again but I own my own home. I've renovated it and I own everything in it. It's completely mine and I love it.

I'm also extremely fortunate to have a job and be gainfully employed. I've been with RE/MAX Success for nearly 8 years and as I've mentioned previously, they've been wonderful to me. And at the end of the day, they still want me to work for them - win! They've been extremely patient with me, and have let me work full time, part time and back to full time. They were extremely supportive when my Husband left, and have always been the same way. I've literally grown up there. Every saga, every crisis, every tear. There are always fun times and have been a few tough ones, but it all works out in the wash. I have somewhere to go every day and I love my job. I'm proud to be in the work force, and not sitting at home twiddling my thumbs. I tried that for a few weeks....I nearly lost my mind.

So, the fact that I struggle is far outweighed by the good things about my situation. One day I will enjoy two incomes in my household again. One day....

But for today, I'm grateful for pay day and the things I can sort out with the hard earned money that I make :-)

Day 35 - Today I am grateful for....A Handsome Lunch Date

I had lunch with one of my best friends, Brendan today.

Brendan and I have been friends for years. We work together and play together. He's a kindred spirit and I just love him to bits.

We have lunch usually once a week at least and it's almost become a little ritual, but one of the spur-of-the-moment kinds. It's never planned, always random but it's usually once a week.

He is handsome and kind and funny and a really genuine Aussie bloke. He's my "plus" one and our friend Ellen always jokes with both of us that she wants to be a Bridesmaid at our wedding :-)

Brendan a sales agent with RE/MAX Success and in my opinion, is one of the best in the business. He's honest and trustworthy and it's hard to come by agents like that in my world. Lucky for us - all of the good agents are in our office!

We have been much closer this year than ever before and I have leant on him exponentially during some really dark days. Both unlucky in love, we often commiserate together but mostly we laugh. A lot. He knows immediately if there is something going on with me and I with him.

More often than not, we are so in sync, that he'll just pop up out of nowhere and we'll have lunch or dinner or drinks. Apart from the fact we work in the same office and see each other every day, we were friends before that.

It was Brendan who was our tour guide in New York and we just had the best time. He showed us all the secret good stuff, because he used to live there and the not-so-secret good stuff, just because he knew we wanted to. We took in a Yankees game at Yankee Stadium, caught a Helicopter ride over New York City, sat in awe in Times Square, wandered through Central Park, had amazing fun on a Sex in the City Tour and enjoyed the Lion King on Broadway, just to name a few of the awesome things we did. In fact, if I had my time over, and I'm confident that I speak for him as well, we should have left my Ex-Husband at home - I'm sure we would have had an even better time :-)

Brendan is so casual and laidback about life. Nothing ever seems to ruffle his feathers and it is him that I go to when I need some calm. He's always happy and joking and laughing. Jim Beam in hand, there are always good times to be had.

He's a people person like me though, so there are always people everywhere around him. Whether we are enjoying a Sunday Session in his Spa, or some drinks at Fibbers or dinner at my house, there is always laughter and fun.

I treasure my time with him because it's so easy. We know each other inside and out and it's wonderful to have a friendship like that. He's right beside me, good or bad. It's not often in life that you stumble across a friend like that, but I have and I'll never let him go. Love you B x

Day 34 - Today I am grateful for....not having to cook dinner.

Look, I'm not going to lie. I very rarely cook these days.

Call it laziness. Call it whatever you want but my passion for cooking left after my Husband did.

I loved being a Wife. I loved everything about it. The cooking. The cleaning. The nurturing.

 Our home was always lovely, and we entertained constantly. There were always people everywhere. I used to make him sweet things to take for his lunch and we used to cook dinner together. My kitchen was very central to our lives. Happy faces, lots of laughs, full bellies and good times. Those were the days....

I used to even have our meals planned out a week ahead, so I could make sure that we had something yummy in our bellies every night. I thought it was great. I didn't have to think about what to cook. I could buy groceries in advance. We always knew what we were having and it was always different. Turns out my Ex-Husband HATED that I used to do that. In fact he told me that hated me being so organised. Full stop. To the extreme of wanting to rip every calendar in our house down.

Well, whatever. I'm organised. I'm a list maker. I like calendars. Too bad. Things get done.

But these days, I rarely cook at all. And frankly there is no point in cooking for one person. So I just don't.

I'm all for constructive cristicism. Perhaps, absentmindedly, I took this issue to heart and just stopped being so organised at home. My house is still clean but I stopped cooking and I certainly stopped planning meals. In fact, I stopped cooking at all. The microwave and I are good friends now.

But you know, there are some nights where I just couldn't even be bothered throwing anything in the microwave. I want someone else to cook for me. And they did tonight.

I had Pasta Place. It was good. I'm feeling pretty full now though.

I like the fact that there is nothing for me to clean up. There are no leftovers for me to remember to take for lunch tomorrow. I didn't cook it so I can complain about it as much as I like. If I eat too much, I can't blame it on not wanting to waste anything. If I get sick, I can blame someone else for that too. The only downside that I can really see is financial.

But you know what, sometimes takeaway is cheaper than fresh fruit and vegies. Groceries can cost an arm and a leg. Let's face it, things aren't getting cheaper in life. And really, you pay for convenience eating out.

It's nice for a change though, to not have to eat a microwave dinner.

So tonight, I'm really grateful that I didn't have to cook. Because after the day I've had, I just didn't want to...

Day 33 - Today I am grateful for....being well and of sound mind

Today I am grateful for being well and of sound mind.....finally.

I'm grateful that my rational mind has taken over from my irrational thoughts.

I don't mean that as a derogatory comment, like that people with a mental illness are not of sound mind. That is not what I'm talking about at all and that is certainly not what I think. I'm talking about my situation and me conquering my problems. I'm not ashamed of having suffered a mental illness in my lifetime. In fact, I'm very open about the things that have happened to me because I believe that if I can help even one person by sharing my story, then that's one less person that has to wander aimlessly through the world wondering what on earth is wrong with them. I did that for a really long time. I have suffered severe depression on and off for most of my adult life. Fortunately, in my case, I beat the disease with some medical help but mainly my own sheer willpower and determination. I'm a lucky one.

So tonight, I decided I needed a little bit of closure in my life. I'm a little bit over wallowing in my own self pity. It's time I gave myself a bit of a slap up the side of the head, so to speak

My ex-Husband is moving OS with his new girlfriend and very soon I won't have to share the same town as him. For over a year now, I've avoided driving along certain areas of our town, just so I didn't drive past houses that I knew the very sight of, would cause pain in my heart. There was even a time that I wouldn't go to our local shopping centre or my favourite coffee house, in case I saw him and / or the new love in his life. I couldn't bear the thought of it.

But tonight, as I was picking up something from a girlfriends house, I thought "bugger it". I shouldn't feel afraid to drive past and I shouldn't have to drive a million miles out of my way to avoid it. So I did a double whammy, I drove past both my ex-family-in-laws house and my ex-Husbands house to get home. I'm no stalker, but sometimes, there just isn't a valid reason to go out of my way for something so seemingly minor. And you know what? I'm OK. I didn't feel the familiar lump in my throat and pain in my chest. I could breathe normally and my heart rate stayed at a decent pace. I was fine.

Which got me to thinking. I really actually have come so far.

Long gone are the tears and hysteria. Long gone is the irrational behaviour. Long gone are the obsessive phone calls. Long gone are the antidepressents, valium and sleeping tablet concoctions. Long gone are the sleepless nights and endless negative thoughts. Long gone are the horrific pictures that plagued my mind. Long gone are the seemingly never-ending conversations with friends and family about what I did wrong. Long gone are the times where there were no lights and no life in my home. Long gone is the 20kg that I put on while I was with him. Long gone is the bitterness, resentment and pain in my heart. I'm well. I may never be whole again but I'm well.

Everyone knows my sad story but I don't think anyone really knows how close to a mental collapse I was. Indeed, I'm sure that I did have a nervous breakdown, but it just didn't spell the end of me.

When my ex-Husband walked out of our marriage and our home, a part of me literally died. He would dispute that another woman was the reason and I guess in fairness, if he was blissfully happy, the infidelity would never have occurred. But it did. I felt sick to the stomach. The betrayal ate away at me and I was as close to death as I've ever been.

The list of things that I had done wrong (according to him), was as long as my arm. Each one was a twist of a rusty knife in my already broken heart. Half of them I felt that I could have fixed but I can't fix a secret. No one can surely be expected to fix something that they weren't aware was a problem! The other half were petty and frankly absolutely riduculous. I can't help that I speak with my hands (amongst other things) or use big words. It's a part of me! Geez.

My mental state was non-existent. I was as close to rock bottom as is humanly possible. I obsessed and obsessed over what I had done wrong. How could I make it right? How could I make him love me again? Was I all the horrible things he had told me I was? Why didn't I see it coming? Would he come home if I just changed this and this about myself? But at the end of the day, I had to finally admit, he was never coming home. It was a horrible realisation to come to and sometimes I even pinch myself to this day, just to make sure this isn't a really long and awful dream I've been having. It isn't. He's gone.

I hit breaking point and wound up on the floor in my office about a month or so after he left. I have no idea how I got there. All I know is that my Mum came and got me and we made an appointment for me to finally see someone. Those few hours are a black hole in my memory.

I credit my 'mad doctor' with helping me get well again. She made me realise that the negative thoughts in my head were not helpful (no kidding). I needed to let them go because this wasn't about me. It was about him. All I could change was me. I couldn't change him and I certainly couldn't change my situation. We were not meant to be. It was a long process but I got there in the end.

When the six month mark hit, which happened to fall on what would have been our 2 year anniversary, I didn't cry. I repeated over and over in my head that "that b*stard was only going to get 6 months of my time and my tears". And he did. It had been a really long 6 months though. I put my friends and family through Hell. Their hearts all broke right along with mine and I'm not proud of the person that I was during that time. It was torture. I was a miserable, mumbling mess. I'm surprised they didn't slap me. I'm sure they all wanted to at one point or another. And I would have deserved it. But that just goes to show you the level of support that I had during the darkest days of my life. Unconditional love and un-ending support. I'm so thankful to each and every one of them.

Yes, I have down days still. Yes, I have moments of disparity. Yes, I have moments where the world is bleak. But there is always a sunrise after each of those dark nights. And I'm still here....and of sound mind.

There was a fleeting moment tonight, of wanting to stop the car and knock on their doors and 12 months ago, I probably would have, but what would I have said? Then or now? There is nothing to say. There is too much water under the bridge and there has been too much pain caused. Why drag any of it up again? That's when it hit me, that I'm better than that. In fact, I'm better than better. I'm well. And the sweetest revenge is living well.

I have the perfect clarity about my situation now. I can logically see that I've dodged a bullet.

So for today at least, I'm very grateful for the realisation that, even though my Doctor says I'm better, I've personally realised that I actually am. And what a special place to be :-)

Day 32 - Today I am grateful for....A safe journey home

My goodness there are some d*ckheads on our roads!

Where did you get your licence, loser? Out of a cornflakes box?

Seriously.

This week especially, I've noticed that the rain brings out the worst drivers on our roads. I've counted my lucky stars every time I've arrived to my destination safely.

I don't know what it is about the rain, but it kind of makes people lose the plot and forget every road rule? Like the rain somehow magically makes road rules null and void?

Did you not see the water lying on the side of the road, before you hit it, lost control of your car and swerved into my lane? Did you not notice the amount of water on the road and thought you could make the amber light before it turns red? Did you not notice the stop sign in the pouring rain? Did you not notice the pools of water before you decided to stop at 60km an hour with 5m to spare? Did you not notice the other people on the road when you indicated and tried to merge into my car? Did you not notice that the speed limit says 60km, not 20km?

Honestly, driving in the rain drives me nuts. I get so mad that I just want to stay at home so I don't die. Oh that's right, that's what I did yesterday!

And nervous drivers! OMG - don't get me started on those. I HATE nervous drivers. Nervous drivers die.

It's only my opinion, (and I potentially have a road rage problem), but frankly, if you cannot negotiate a car in the rain sensibly, then you should not be in control of  a vehicle - EVER. Full stop.

I'm not going to bag out P-platers, because there are a lot of sensible ones out there, but there are a lot of non-sensible ones too. They are the ones who speed, that cannot negotiate distance and that take unnecessary risks. It's dangerous. Add rain into the mix and there is a disaster waiting to happen.

To deviate momentarily, I am fascinated sometimes by the Catholic faith and their Patron Saints. I'm not familiar with all of them but St Christopher - the Patron Saint of Travel, I've got to admit, is one of my faves. I'm not Catholic but I am Christian and I live by my faith. I went to a Catholic school and I admit to knowing very little about Catholocism itself, but I understand some of the principles (if that is the right word) and one of my favourites are their Patron Saints. Presbyterians don't have those. All of my life I have kind of picked out parts of different religions and added bits of them to my daily life. Catholocism, I guess, is no different. I don't know why it helps me, but I feel better with a Christian symbol in my car and I often give a St Christopher's medal to loved ones that travel. I personally have a set of Rosary Beads from Vatican City hanging on my steering wheel and a tiny silver cross that my Mother gave me. Not only do they make me feel better, but I feel calmer driving with something around me that reminds me of my faith and that which makes me feel protected. I'll admit it's one of the bizarre things that make me, well, me. But whatever helps, in my opinion.

When driving back from Goondiwindi the other night in the rain, after celebrating the life of a dear friend, killed tragically in a car accident, I held on to my Rosary Beads the whole way home. I've never prayed with Rosary Beads in my life. I'll openly admit that I don't actually know what they're for, but for whatever reason, I held onto them for dear life, said a little prayer and my two passengers and I, arrived home in one piece.

I consider myself a safe driver. I'm not reckless, I don't speed and I am considerate of other drivers. I am mindful of pedestrians, motorcyclists and people on bicyles. I'm a good driver. And I'm bloody proud of it!

I guess that's why I tend to get on my soap box about bad drivers, because I just cannot understand how hard it can be to drive safely? I understand accidents happen and more often that not, things happen that are certainly out of anyone's control, but it's the lunatics on our roads that make me so cross.

So today, I am really grateful that I made it home in one piece. Safe and sound :-)