Day 286 - Today I am grateful for....my fave 414

Today & every day, I am grateful for treasured friendships.

Yesterday was my friend David's Birthday and at a loss as to what to give my treasured friend, I hope that words will mean more than anything else.

I've known Dave for a few years now. We met professionally when I managed and helped arrange renovations to his rental property on his behalf.

What began as a simple task turned into a mammoth effort full of fantastic ideas, careful planning and epic design. David knew in his mind what he wanted, but actually putting pen to paper was another story...

The general theme was all things New York City. I was more than equipped to assist as I <3 NYC! It was well before I had been there myself but I had been dying to go for many years prior, so it was a really fun project for me personally.

During the design process, it came to my attention that Dave was, well, different.

He was (and still is) eccentric, but that wasn't it.

He was (and still is) extremely intelligent, but that wasn't it.

He was (and still is) a perfectionist, but that wasn't it either.

We sat together many times while he tried to articulate what he wanted but all he did was scribble random things on to bits of paper. What made sense in his mind, certainly didn't make any sense to me to look at and be able to bring to life!

He could clearly see that I was lost to which he politely explained that he suffered from a disorder called Latent Somethingorother. I can never remember the name but basically, if he looks at a tree, he doesn't see a tree. He sees the colour and the bark and the leaves, as all independent and very different absract things. I cannot explain it as well as he can, but I often wonder what it must be like to have that kind of brain capacity and function? That brilliance and intellect. For me, a tree is a tree. The end. To this day, I believe, and often tell him so, that he has no disorder.....he's just a 'scribbler' :-)

Time came and went. Months went by and I'd occasionally run into Dave here and there but it would be some time before he popped up again in my life and stay there. As it turns out, it was not long after my Husband walked out, nearly two years ago. Dave happened to drop into the office, looking for a rental property.

He knew that I had been married, but he'd not heard that I wasn't any more. Very innocently, he asked how married life was. He, of course, wasn't to know otherwise. I briefly filled him in, and he immediately invited me for coffee.

I was a little bit suspicious, I'll admit it. I wondered why on earth he cared? He knew my ex-Husband's Brother fairly well...was he fishing for information to report back to the family? Was he just a natural sticky beak? Was he masochistic and just enjoyed seeing people in pain?

I quickly realised that wasn't the case at all and I could slap myself for ever thinking that he was anything other than a kind man, extending love and friendship to a lost soul.

And so began our tale....

We caught up for several coffees, usually once a week during my lunch hour, before he finally said that he needed to talk to me about something. Intrigued, I agreed to meet with him.

He waffled on with rubbish, which is very normal for him, and I let him, before it finally got the better of me. He was a little too wound up....

"Dave, what did you want to talk to me about?" I asked.

He turned white.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

He quickly recovered and I asked again....

"What's up? You wanted to talk to me about something important. Here I am. Talk"

"I'm going on a holiday!" he said.

"That's nice, but bullsh*t. What's going on?"

We sat in silence and he put his head down slightly and lowered his eyes to the floor.

"I'm gay"

"Yeah, I know" I said and smiled.

His head snapped up and he looked me directly in the eyes.

"You know?! But how?"

"Well I kind of assumed but it's not something you really just come right out and ask someone is it?" I said.

"I was so scared of telling you! I thought you wouldn't want to be my friend anymore!"

I immediately told him to stop being so silly!

It was true though. There were many things that made me think he might have been, even though I didn't know for sure. He is fastidious with his appearance, quite effeminate in his gestures but mostly, he just seem to feel things deeper than any man I've ever known. It really didn't come as a shock to me. It certainly didn't change my opinion of him or detract me from his lovely, caring nature. For me, what is in a persons heart, means far more to me than their colour, race, religious beliefs or sexual preference.

In Dave, I have found a kindred spirit. A sweeter soul doesn't exist and I have found in him a true friendship.

We laugh constantly. He is a ratbag sometimes, and I marvel at his ability to be so vain, but so thoughtful of other people at the same time. I don't mean that terribly at all. He is a real chatterbox and we have thoughtful and reflective conversations about life, faith and love. We talk about his ambitions as a an entrepreneur and I have no doubt that one day soon, he will do great things.

He is a skilled businessman and website designer. He is a kind and caring family man. A man devout in his faith, who struggled devastatingly when he realised his ultimate life's path.

A decision to live his life as a gay man, was fraught with many hurdles. So many coffees and heartfelt discussions. So much indecision. I do like to think that my complete and unconditional acceptance of him as a human being, and a treasured part of not only my life, but in the lives of many others, and the ability to voice his concerns in a safe environment, helped him come to terms with something that cannot be changed. He is who he is.

It is only my opinion but for what it's worth, I choose to believe that God loves us all. And I think that he would rather we live our lives being true to ourselves, than living a lie.

The journey has been an interesting one. As a co-owner of a successful bridal store, he has battled with tradition and what society deems acceptable. There have been demons battled - both together and alone. Some poor decisions made in the learning process. Mistakes made. Errors in judgement. Lessons learned. Although, that is true for all of us. But he asks for my opinion and I give it. Truthfully and honestly. I don't mince my words with him and I do like to think that my honesty is a comforting to him. He can always be exactly who is, with me.

Toowoomba is extremely narrowminded, lets face it and through discussions with him and other gay friends of mine, I've learned that it can be extremely difficult to find love in this town. It is hard for anyone, in fact and I am testiment to that!

So while I was sad when he told me he was moving to the Gold Coast, I was sad for me, not for him.

There probably isn't a better place for him to be! As a lover of the finer things in life....the beautiful homes, the amazing scenery, the expensive cars, the nightlife, the eccentricity, the glitz, the glamour, the people....Perfect.

After a difficult start to the year for both of us, we spent Easter together and enjoyed each others company immensely. He whizzed me around the Gold Coast in his red BMW convertible with the Black Eyed Peas cranking on the stereo. There were many lattes had and with both of us nursing broken hearts, it would only be appropriate to match the coffees with the in-depth discussions about the future, the present and the past. We pointed out cute boys for each other and shared lots of laughs. Good food, amazing company and plenty of giggles.

It has been a couple of months between proper catch ups and I've been working a lot recently but we message each other often and call whenever time permits.

I know that he was sad that I missed spending his Birthday with him, but he has plenty of other amazing friends and family who took good care of him and spoilt him rotten.

But for my special little 414, now and always, I wish him a life full of love, laughs and adventure.

Happy Birthday Darling. Forever friends and forever in my heart.

And if there were 414 ways to tell you how special you are to me every day, then I would tell you :-)

Grateful.

Days 163 - 285 - Today I am grateful....to be IMPLANON free!

It's interesting to note that this week, I finally had my implanon removed. Yay for me!
It went in on 02/02/11 and on that day my sanity went out the window.

"You might feel a little bit depressed...." The Doctor said. Depressed? Really? Try paranoid, morbidly sad and frighteningly unbalanced.

Honestly, the last 6 months have just been horrific and I had no idea why. I just thought I was stuck in a rut.

Lucky for me, I finally came to my senses and realised that my life had gone to poo, in part due to the random chemicals being released into my body each day.

It took a majorly embarrassing meltdown on Monday of this week, to finally be my wake up call to do something about my situation.

I had become so insular that I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything. I wanted to be by myself. I cried a lot and about nothing. I was convinced people were talking about me. I became suspicious and withdrawn. I was angry and snappy. I put on weight and had terrible skin. I was hungry all the time. I was paranoid and just so so sad. I was wired and couldn't sleep properly. In short, I just wasn't right.

Honestly, it should be called "Man Repellent". Because really, there is no chance of you getting pregnant or anyone wanting to even be with you when you are bloated, have horrible skin and are a complete looney tune....

It was a bit of a process to get it out of my arm, especially as the Doctor had put it in so deeply but I didn't care. I'd committed to going to whatever lengths necessary to get it out. I didn't care if she cut me open and stitched the whole way down, it just had to come out! Hell, I didn't care if she cut OFF my arm at that point. I wanted it out.

And ridiculously enough, I felt better immediately. You are completely infertile when it goes in, and completely fertile the moment it comes out. In short, you are immediately crazy when it goes in and immediately sane when it comes out.

I potentially should have listened to the countless amounts of people who said "don't do it" but I was convinced it would be the answers to my prayers. It wasn't.

I know that this product works for many thousands of women all over the world. And lucky them! But I, unfortunately am no poster girl for it and I'm so pleased it is gone.

Suffice to say, the last 4 days have been amazing. I feel clear and calm and happy. Almost without a single care in the world.

And now to correct the mistakes I've made. Stalk the people that I've upset and beg them to forgive me. Eat healthier. Work smarter. Excercise more. Sleep. Spend time with friends. Get into the garden. Enjoy my life. Be grateful for the wonderful things around me.

And I'm....back!

Grateful :-)

Day 162 - Today I am grateful for....special dinners :-)

My girlfriend Ronnie invited me around for dinner tonight. OMG - it was amazing!

I've spent so much time at her house in recent weeks, for both good and sad reasons but none of them really to "catch up" catch up.

We spent hours making the amazing paper origami dress for the races. Each petal on her dress was hand folded and glued by our friend Aimee, myself and Ronnie. Although she missed out on the Fashions of the Field on the day, she very deservedly made it into the paper for her amazing design.

But last week, in the early hours of the morning, she called me very upset. Someone had stolen her brand new car OUT OF HER DRIVEWAY. WTF? Surely not? Surely to God, this poor girl has been through enough?

She lost everything during the floods in January, including her car, which was finally replaced a month ago. Her joy was short lived when some social degenerate decided to steal it.

Not only did they steal her car but they broke into 26 other vehicles in the Darling Heights area. Wankers.

And so ensued a massive CSI operation and she has basically handed the culprits to the police on a silver platter. In my opinion she should be made some kind of honorary policewoman or something - she did most of the hard work for them!

Unfortunately, not only was her vehicle stolen, but it was subsequently torched 3 days later.

In between all of this, she has had time to listen to me have a minor little meltdown and she felt bad for not knowing I was going through my own stuff. I felt more bad for not being able to keep myself together at the appropriate time!

It's been such a horrible couple of months for everyone, but especially her and I marvel constantly at how graciously she takes each of life's challenges that are thrown at her.

But tonight, I was really looking forward to just having a nice dinner with one of my best friends, just because.

Did I mention it was amazing??

Well it was.

And so is she.

Grateful.

Day 161 - Today I am grateful for....Savoury Mince on Toast!

I cooked up a storm on Sunday night.

Apart from the minor hiccup of no power when I got home from work, things finally came together and the power came back on!

My two things that I had decided to cook and freeze were Shepherds Pie and my Mum's Savoury Mince.

Nom Nom Nom

In my mind I figured that these two old faithfuls were easy to cook and easy to portion up and freeze.

I set to work and cooked up a storm. It's been a while since I've cooked in my kitchen and it bordered on fun.

Although I much prefer cooking for people, it was nice to know that I've not lost all of my talents when it comes to cooking. I guess it's like riding a bike?

Meanwhile, my diabolical plan had the exact reaction that I needed. Casual. Simple. Easy.

I got home from work today, didn't feel like cooking and so I just simply defrosted some savoury mince and had it on toast! YUM!

I love it when life can be so so simple.

Grateful :-)

Day 142 - 160 - These days I was grateful for....the small stuff

Today I realised that it's been a long time since I've blogged.

I've been ungrateful....again.

So instead of trying to make up for lost time, I've decided to just say that I've been on hiatus and start afresh.

No use crying over spilt milk.

The longer the time goes, the more I struggle to be grateful again. So instead of trying to find 18 things to be grateful for, I've decided to just be grateful for the small stuff that has happened in the past couple of weeks.

I'm not going to lie, it's been a busy few weeks, so to name a few of my grateful things....

I am grateful that my Mum didn't break her femur....only her fibula. Still broken but tough as nails and walking around without plaster. No surprises.

I am grateful that my friend Ronnie's dress made it into the paper after our confusion at the races.....

I am grateful that it's my holidays in 5 days. 11 days off! I'm excited.

I am grateful for my catch up coffee with my friend Bianca tonight after she's been galavanting around the world on a cruise for the last week. I am also grateful that she is safe and sound. I HATE boats.

I am grateful that my friend Ronnie had someone to call during her toughest moments last week....me and Aimee. And I am preempting the grateful that I will feel when they catch the degenerates that stole and torched her brand new car. Because she hasn't been through enough already this year.

I am grateful for dinner with Bradley, Megan, Nathan & Vic last week.

I am grateful to hear other dear friends have made it home from OS safe and sound.

I am grateful that Tiff & Katie had a fabulous time in Melbourne.

I am grateful for my new Credit Card and the fact that it has allowed me to book my amazing trip to Thailand with Anita in October.

I am grateful for special friends who have listened to me cry in the last few weeks and just hugged me because that's what I needed.

I am grateful that I felt pretty on race day.

I am grateful for the new book I'm reading.

I am grateful for my new GHD.

So many things to be grateful for in hindsight but no inclination to be at the time.

But in the words of the plaque on my desk.....

"The more you practice being grateful, the more you will discover what to be grateful for...."

So when God closes a door, somewhere he always opens a window.

Grateful.

Day 141 - Today I am grateful for....venting

I felt completely out of sorts today. My brain didn't seem to be connected to my body and I struggled all day.

I felt a bit like Toowoomba - four seasons in one day. Every human emotion seemed to pass through me rapidly like the speed of light and I couldn't seem to keep up. One minute I was quietly crying to myself at my desk, and the next I was chuckling to myself about something funny.

It was a strange day.

Moreover I seemed to just say things without thinking.

Things just flew out of my mouth and I was agressive and impatient. I don't know if it was an extension of last night because that was just awful, or I just fell out of bed on the wrong side.

Either way, it was good to be able to have a little vent. I felt better.

Sometimes, a problem shared is a problem halved and often the heaviness in my heart is lifted once I say something out loud.

Take my weight for example. It's a really sore point. I'm totally loathing myself at the moment. And I can't articulate what it means for me. All I know is that I am so desperately afraid of ending up where I was before my Husband left, that by any means possible I will avoid it.

Whether it is rational or not, I believe that the way I looked was a factor in him leaving. I was not attractive to him, so of course he would look for someone else. It makes sense. The more weight I hold, the worse my Fibro is and the worse my mental state becomes. And here we are, heading down a road that I can't bear to go down again.

So I am choosing to take a sharp left at the random street before the end of this road that I know so well, because I know where the road goes. It leads to misery and heartbreak and I cannot go down there again. Who knows where the random street on the left goes, but here's hoping it's somewhere better than here.

And to my friends that I vented to today, thanks for listening and thanks for your patience. I love you.

Grateful x

Day 140 - Today I am grateful for....the nurses at The Red Cross Blood Bank

Tonight at The Red Cross Blood Bank began as any other night giving plasma with my girlfriend Tiffany.

I'd drunk enough water and I'd eaten enough food but for whatever reason, my body shut down half way through the procedure. Nothing like it has ever happened to me before.

I was happily chatting to Tiff and all of a sudden I started to feel really strange, like I was going to pass out. I told Tiff who called out for a nurse but it was too late....

The nurses were fabulous and they quickly altered how I was positioned and I was OK for a couple of minutes but by the time the nurse came to check on me again, it was worse.

It happened so fast. I couldn't move properly or talk and I was freezing cold. My eyes were heavy and it felt like I'd taken some serious serious sedative. They laid me flat in the chair and stopped the procedure immediately.

An oxygen mask was placed on my face plus blankets and heat packs.

The nurse didn't leave my side. It would be over an hour before I started to feel better.

Apparently my blood pressure was fine but my pulse quite slow. There is no other medical reason for my malaise except severe exhaustion. For whatever reason my body shut down because I was just bloody tired.

It was actually quite a scary thing to go through. I couldn't communicate and I felt trapped in my body. I couldn't comprehend what people were saying and pretty much all I could do was blink.

When I finally felt better again, I then had the guilts because I was unable to help someone fully as they had to stop midway.

But I am grateful for the lovely nurses and volunteers at The Red Cross Blood Bank - Toowoomba. Not a bad place to be when you pass out :-)

Grateful.

Day 139 - Today I am grateful for....secret saviours and amazing friends :-)

Sometimes it's really lovely in life to be acknowledged as a good friend.

There have been some times in the last 12 months where I have not been a good friend. I have made some mistakes that I cannot take back, no matter how much I wish I could. I acknowledge my mistakes and have tried to make amends to the best of my ability. Sometimes I have been forgiven, sometimes not.

Often I find myself reflecting on the times that I've let people down. I truly haven't meant to. I would never hurt someone intentionally. Not now, not ever. But I torture myself for the things I cannot fix.

But you know what? There are times that I have been a good friend. In fact, there are many times that I've been a good friend. And just because I haven't been sometimes, doesn't negate the times I have.

I do really try to be a good friend. I'm available 24/7 if someone needs to talk. I've answered the phone many times in the wee hours of the morning to a friend in need. I've housed and clothed friends in need. I've talked and cried and offered advice. I've loaned money to friends. I've kept secrets and shared my own. I'm the friend that picks you up at 3am so you don't have to catch a cab or I won't drink so you have a lift home and are safe. I throw an epic party and I always try to give thoughtful gifts. I am an open and non-judgemental ear. I'm a decent person and I don't lie. I'm fiercely loyal and am a vault with a secret. I'm kind and friendly and I'm always, well....there.

And so today, when I was recognised for being a good friend, with the most amazingly thoughtful and epic gesture, in my hour of desperate need, and without having to ask for help, I just don't know how to thank my secret saviours. They know who they are and I don't want to publicly embarrass them but thankyou guys - from the bottom of my hearts.

I love you and am truly grateful for what you did for me today. Thankyou x

Day 138 - Today I am grateful for....2kg

So it turns out that quitting smoking has consequently made me gain a couple of kilos.

Now I am mortified and totally disgusted in the sight of myself.

But at the end of the day it's 2kg. It's not 20kg. I'm not going to die. I can get it off if I work hard.

And given that I've got something to look forward to, I need to be grateful for this 2kg.

Not only because it means I have enough food to eat but also because it has spurred me into action!

So today I choose to be grateful that I have put on a little bit of weight. No more lazy times or naughty food - it's time to get a bikini body! STAT!

Grateful :-P

Day 137 - Today I am grateful for....something to look forward to!

I've been fumbling around wondering what the hell I want to do this year.

And it dawned on me.

Apart from the goals I've set for myself, I want to take a break and have a rest somewhere beautiful.

I've been to every corner of the world and in each country, I've had to battle language barriers and transport issues. Whilst I love travelling, this time I wanted to go somewhere and just....be.

I've lost some weight and so I'm not totally disgusted in the sight of myself, so I was thinking maybe tropical.

I wanted to go somewhere where I could be lazy, lie on the beach, drink cocktails and read all day......ding! How about Thailand?

Now, my Mother has always said that I was too dumb to go to Thailand. She said that I would be gullible enough that if a stranger asked me to hold something for them, I would, it would be drugs, I'd be thrown in a Thai jail and she would never see me again. Not that she's prone to exaggeration.....

I don't want to worry though. I want to feel safe. And so I'm going to contact my Travel Agent and make my way to that beautiful place.

I'm going to save my money and go.

I want to lie on the beach, drink cocktails, ride elephants, swim in the blue water, visit mystic temples and shop until I drop. I want the option to do everything or nothing, depending on the day.

And so I'm grateful for having something to look forward to.

Grateful :-)

Day 136 - Today I am grateful for....a bedroom revamp

I was feeling like my house needs a little bit of a shift around.

Sometimes if my brain is cluttered, so are my surroundings usually.

It's a vicious circle. If my surroundings are cluttered, I feel flat and if I feel flat, my surroundings become cluttered.....blah.

And so I decided maybe I should move my room around.

So I did.

I've recently shifted around the lounge room, my office and the front room.

And I'm loving it.

I'm sleeping better and it's nice to have a little change every now and again.

Grateful....

Day 135 - Today I am grateful for....a healthy Tom :-)

My friend Andrea's cat Tom was hit by a car the other day but coming from family made of tough stuff, he will of course be fine :-)

Apparently a cat gets 9 lives so he's officially only got 8 left but I'm sure he'll make bloody good use of them!

The poor little love was hit by a car, had his hip broken and just got out of hospital today.

I went down the mountain for dinner tonight. It was yummy as always but the real treat was seeing their little man getting around, slower than normal no less, but still the same old Tom.

Tom is literally the coolest cat in the world. Apart from my own little man, Charlie and my other cat, Bella that lives with Mum & Dad, he is my favourite cat. So full of personality and life, it's always a treat to see him.

And my lap is where he sits when I visit. I love it. Neither Charlie or Bella are cuddly cats, so little Tom more than makes up for it. And tonight was no different. The only difference was that he was in pain and so once he found my lap, he wasn't moving in a hurry.

My bum went numb.....

It's more than OK though because little Tom is OK. He took on a car and won.

Grateful :-)

Day 134 - Today I am grateful for....the epic fail of dinner

OMG - I had a serious shocker today.

Let it be said that I by no means classify myself as an exceptional cook but I can cook.

But potentially I should not talk and cook at the same time or else things can take a serious turn for the worse....

I had big plans for dinner tonight.

I'd had a good day. Picked up groceries at lunch. Nice short line at the grocery store.

Not too bad of a day and then home to cook a lovely meal for my friend.

I thought I would make Chicken & Mushroom Voluvents. Fairly simple yes? No.

Things started off fine. I cooked up the chicken and the onion and it was smelling devine.....

Then Vic arrived. And we started to talk......

It was here that the wheels fell off in spectacular style.

Chatting away, I was not paying attention to what I was doing and proceeded to put two CUPS of flour into the mixture instead of two tablespoons. Bugger.

A whole litre of milk later and I really hadn't achieved anything apart from a gluggy floury mess. We kind of rescued it but it wasn't great.

I then burnt the ass out of the saucepan boiling the potatoes. I've lost count of the hundreds of times that I have successfully cooked mashed potato. All without incident. Not today.

WTF.

So I gave up.

But the epic fail that I had tonight, means that I get a chance to redeem myself and cook for my friends again next week. Grateful.

I am grateful for their patience and their good grace for telling me that what was left of the failure tasted nice. They lied :-)

Day 133 - Today I am grateful for....the ability to hand in my assignments late :-)

I've been a little bit lax with regards to getting in and finishing my course.

It's something I really want to do and I've set the challenge for myself to do it but I was worried that they may not accept my assignments anymore, given that it's been nearly a year since I've handed one in.

Sometimes my self esteem and self confidence are so low that I wonder if it's worth handing anything in because it might be wrong or not good enough. I'm not sure that my self esteem can cope with another blow?

And so I've handed nothing in and instead held on to the fear in my heart.

But I decided to bite the bullet and make the call. I wanted to know if I was still able to continue on.

I left a message and waited.....

Turns out they will accept my assignments even after a year! I got the phone call today! Go me!

I'm pretty excited and am feeling a renewed enthusiasm for my course again.

Although I will need some help, I know I can do it and I will!

Grateful.

Day 132 - Today I am grateful for....my sense of smell

I've been off the ciggies for 11 days and all of a sudden I can smell everything again! It's just the strangest thing?

I can smell flowers and coffee and freshly mown grass and perfume and food. But it's not a faint distant smell, it's hard core in-your-face stuff!! I can even smell cigarettes on other people and marvel that that's what I used to smell like when I came back from my desperate afternoon ciggie!

I love love love it.

I don't miss the ciggies at all. I have no cravings and no real desire to smoke. I can be around people who smoke and it doesn't bother me one bit.

But it's the smells that are amazing me the most. I'm sure that my sense of smell will become even more accute as the days go on but for now it's just the most exciting thing.

Now to curb the eating.....ha ha

Grateful!

Day 131 - Today I am grateful for....our new colleague!

We had a new man start today in the role of Maintenance Co-Ordinator and what a treat it has been to train someone with so much enthusiasm!

He is excited to be there, grateful to be employed and willing to learn. As a trainer, he is a dream come true!

It feels like I've trained so many people in the past few months, and when they leave, I often am concerned that it's me. Was I a poor trainer? Did they not like me? Was I too fast? Was I too dismissive? Did I let them sink or swim too soon? Did I not teach them enough?

That's not to say that I haven't enjoyed training people and some of my most recent trainees are still in place, God love them, but this was just different altogether. I don't think I've ever experienced someone with such a passion for something new? Maybe it's because I'm such a scaredy-cat.....

So many things run through my head when I'm training, so many worries I guess, but when my new colleague thanked me for a "wonderful" day and for everything I had shown him, my heart sang!

I thought to myself (for the first time in a long time) "gosh, I'm actually OK at this".

It's lovely training someone with initiative and drive and genuine interest in what you are showing them.

It reminds me of when I first started work so many years ago. I was so excited. I was painfully shy but it didn't take long for me to come out of my shell. Perhaps a little bit longer for me to find my feet and my place but after 12 months I was part of the furniture. 8 years later and I'm confident that they'll wheel me out on a gurney.

But that's OK because I love it.

I think anyone who says they love their job every minute of every day is a big fat liar but in my opinion, so long as you don't hate your job every minute of every day and have a healthy balance between life, love and work, then it's a good job and a good life :-)

Grateful.

Day 130 - Today I am grateful for....Fish & Chips!

Sunday was another all-day work event with not a lot of progress and some ever increasing (self inflicted) frustrations at my (self perceived) lack of ability.

By the end of it, again, I was shagged.

So because I'm all about healthy eating at the moment....ha ha, I thought I might have a crack at the Fish & Chip shop down the road.

I'm pretty sure that they saw me coming because I paid $20 for a seafood basket and I feel I got robbed.

Anyhoo, it was pretty nice and I made sure that I didn't feel the slightest bit guilty as I sat down in front of the TV and watched the Biggest Loser. Might as well put one in for the team, poor buggers!

So today, I am grateful for my Fish & Chips and not having to cook.

Grateful!

Day 129 - Today I am grateful for....a Saturday night ritual :-)

I worked all day today.

And by the end of it I was totally shagged.

It has become a little routine for me....albeit an unhealthy one, but on a Saturday night, I have been going and getting KFC and sitting on the couch with my kids and watching a movie.

I've got to tell you, it's a cracker of a way to spend a Saturday night.

I never have to worry about my hair or what I'm going to wear or who I'm going out with. I don't have to get dressed into anything other than my PJ's. And frankly my 3 four-legged children are far more interesting and better behaved than most of the inebriated, abnoxious, pathetic-excuses-for-men at the pub!

And so I was uber-grateful once again for some quiet time and my new Saturday night ritual.....
Grateful!

Day 128 - Today I am grateful for....a housewarming dinner!

Tonight was my first dinner at Bradley & Megan's new little house.

They've recently sold their home and have moved into a little unit for a while until they build.

It's all a little bit exciting as it's just theirs :-)

We enjoyed a lovely roast dinner with Nathan & Vic which is always a treat.

Some of my fave people all in one room plus dinner cooked for me? I'm a lucky girl!

Grateful....

Day 127 - Today I am grateful for....a new budget!

Thursday is pay day at my work but I'm a little bit excited this week as my new budget has kicked in.

I've consolidated some debt and have made my home loan work for me. I finally feel like I'm sorting my sh*t out! And I can do it on my own!

Long gone are the days of scrimping & scratching to get some dollars together.

I've got a new budget!

That coupled with the extra money I'm saving with not smoking - I'll be able to go OS again in no time!

Go me!

Grateful :-)

Day 126 - Today I am grateful for....Morning Tea Wednesdays

On Wednesdays we are soooooooooooooooo spoilt at my work.

Each of takes turns and brings Morning Tea for everyone to share.

It's been a ritual for the 8 years that I've worked at RE/MAX and although it's changed a little bit with us all pitching in instead of just one person each week, it's still a highlight.

Not only is it hump day but we are also we are uber-spoilt with goodies!

Grateful!

Day 125 - Today I am grateful for....a working computer!

My computer has been on the blink for a little while.

To be honest, I wanted to throw it off the top of a very tall building and I'm quite confident that I would relish in the joy of seeing it smash into a million pieces.

I've had an absolute gutful.

I'd been robbed blind for the computer in the first place and for it to now not be working....again, drove me nuts!

I couldn't watch movies, I couldn't hear anything, I've had stupid cookie things popping up all over the shop AND I have spam - I HATE IT!

I'm no computer whiz, in fact I'm bordering on technologically retarded but even I knew that those things should have been working, I just didn't know how to fix any of it.

A friend of mine had a look but he couldn't fix it either so in the end, I had to bite the bullet and get a little man to fix it.

Turns out it was a fairly minor issue thank God - no replacing the Mother Board for me this time! Phew!

So today, I am grateful for a working computer and the IT boys that know far more about this stuff than I ever will!

Day 124 - Today I am grateful for....Memories you can wear

I wonder sometimes how people come up with things....

You know, there is a lot to be said for an idea, an inspiration, a single thought. Whomever came up with the idea of a charm bracelet really was an "ideas man". Furthermore, whomever modernised that notion deserves a medal. What a beautiful idea! To be able to actually wear a memory....

When my Mother bought me a Nominations bracelet a few years ago. I had absolutely no idea what it was but I loved it.

Each year on Christmas and my Birthday she would buy me a little tile to add to my collection.

When I travelled around the world two years ago, I realised that the Nominations brand was Italian and I was able to easily add to my bracelet until it was full. Nominations tiles are difficult to locate in Toowoomba....not so in Italy. I was spoilt for choice! I have a tile for each country I have visted, I have tiles signifying my love of animals and my birth sign. Each one means something important and special.

Not many people have ever heard of Nominations nor seen a bracelet like mine and that's why I love it so much. Each little tile holds a cherished memory.

In my 30th year last year, given that my Nominations bracelet was full, I suggested a new idea to my Mum....the Pandora bracelet.

With my 30th & 31st Birthdays combined plus a charm at Christmas time, my Pandora bracelet is now full too! Each charm is from someone different and each one represents a piece of their heart that I carry with my heart.

Every second person has a Pandora but not everyone has a Nominations and not many people have both! I'm a lucky girl :-)

I just love it. I love memories that I can wear. I love being able to look at my bracelets and know exactly who gave me what and when. I can wear cherished memories with me everyday.

So to all the people whose memories I wear, I love you x
Grateful.

Day 123 - Today I am grateful for....no hangover!

Again....I'm a little bit behind in my gratefuls but Sunday week ago I was uber grateful I didn't have a hangover!

I was stepping pretty high by the end of the night and it was definately time for me to head home at 3am.

I'd had an absolutely cracker of a Birthday!!

I'd been hooking in to the Jager Bombs so there was a very real possibility that I could have been hugging my friend the toilet bowl but thank God - I didn't.

I went home alone at a fairly reasonable hour, I was coherent and lucid and alone. I paid the taxi man the correct amount of money and I was not ripped off, injured or molested.

And to top it all off.....I didn't have a hangover the next morning! Win!

Although very tired and Fibro-sore, I avoided the hangover. Grateful....

Day 122 - Today I am grateful for....the BEST Birthday EVER!

Today (a week ago) was my Birthday and I literally had the BEST Birthday EVER!!!

I turned 31 on Saturday 5th March 2011.

I was spoilt rotten from the moment I woke up. In fact, I was spoilt yesterday too!

Yesterday, Karissa spoilt me with a whole day long non-Birthday event including balloons, cards, profiterole cakes and presents! I also received a beautiful bunch of flowers from my work family :-)

And then today on my Birthday, I was taken out for Breakfast with Bradley, Megan, Nathan & Vic to Cafe Valetta.

After Breakfast, I spent a lovely day with Vicki doing Wedding stuff and we located her Dress, Shoes and our Bridesmaid Dresses. Very productive day!

On Saturday night, I enjoyed a lovely dinner with 40 of my closest friends (minus a few who couldn't make it) at my fave restaurant and then proceeded to dance the night away at Fibbers!

I really honestly had the most enjoyable Birthday I've ever had. I don't think I've ever felt so loved and special in such a long time.

To everyone who made my Birthday so lovely.... Thankyou!

For all of my lovely gifts...Thankyou!

For being a part of my life....Thankyou, from the very bottom of my heart xxx

Grateful!

Day 121 - Today I am grateful for....something that works!

I was hypnotised for the first time in my life today and I have come out of it feeling amazing....

I've been thinking about quitting smoking for a while now but when my Husband left, there didn't seem to be a reason anymore.

Gone was my hope of starting a family, so why not just keep on smoking? It certainly helped with stress and when I didn't feel like eating, I always felt like smoking.

I'm not even really sure how I started smoking? It just kind of happened one day. I certainly felt accepted by my peers and developed close friendships over the years.

But ultimately, it was time to quit. I simply cannot afford it anymore.

I wasn't a fan of patches. And I hated the gum. I had a really bad allergic reaction to Champix, when combined with other medication, so I was kind of all out of ideas. All I knew was that it was time.

I'd grown tired of hearing all of my friends tell me to quit. My Mum coughed every time I went near her - even if I hadn't had a ciggie, it lingered. My mouth always felt like the bottom of a budgie cage. My clothes smelt. My hair smelt. My skin looked like poo. I felt like poo. It was time.

And so I went on the search for a hypnotherapist in Toowoomba and I finally found one...quite innocently actually but it was obviously meant to be. It will have been an expensive exercise but well worth it in the long run. I've had some bloody fabulous times smoking and being around smokers but at the end of the day, it's really bad for me and I acknowledge that. I acknowledge that eventually I will die if I don't do something about it now. And so I made the call.

It doesn't mean that I can't be around smokers anymore, nor will I be judging a smoker. I refuse to be one of those reformed smokers that you just want to punch in the face. It's a person's choice at the end of the day and this is mine.

I was worried though. I didn't want to put on weight. I've come so far since my Husband left that I would rather smoke and keep my 20kg off than not and end up fatter than when he left. Whether that is the reason that he left or not, I'm sure it didn't help. So there was a 2nd reason for heading to a clinical hypnotherapist for help.

I'm not going to lie, I was apprehensive about it. It's been a long time since I've been a non-smoker. I'd also never been hypnotised. Was this man going to make me cluck like a chicken? I was genuinely worried.

I shouldn't have been.

I've come out feeling amazing. I remembered everything. It was basically a very intense relaxation therapy session. And now not only have I quit smoking but it feels like I've never smoked before! In real time it has been over a week and I feel great. I have no cravings at all. I haven't really been grumpy. And I have been trying very hard not to replace cigarettes with food.

But when the Hypnotherapist spoke to my Sub-Conscious Mind, I'm thankful that he did whatever he did because my life will be much much better now. How does that even work?

I don't know and I don't care.

I'm just.....Grateful.

Day 120 - Today I am grateful for....My Mum

So....this time 31 years ago, my Mother went into labour with me.

That's right. Today is the 3rd March. I wasn't born until the 5th. The poor woman endured 36 hours of torturous pain with me as the end result.

There is a lot to be said for child birth and the pain that a woman goes through to bring a child into the world. I applaud all the Mothers out there because I really am a gigantic sook. A big girls blouse. God help the day that it's me there pushing a watermelon out of a pin hole.....

I couldn't help but think about my Mum today though, it's nearly my Birthday after all and without her, I wouldn't be here. Each year around this time that I sit down and really think about our relationship and how truly blessed I am.

She is my best friend in the whole world. She knows everything about me and loves me just the same. She completes me and I am but a shadow in life without her.

We really are so similar in so many ways (not only to look at), but she is so much stronger than me. Our mannerisms are the same but she is smarter and far more courageous than I. She is the rock in our family and the glue that binds us together.

 So many times in my life, and often daily, I marvel at the fact that I'm lucky enough to have her as my Mum. Not only is she an wonderful woman, but I am actually selfish enough to be pleased that she's all mine and I don't actually have to share her with a sibling....

We've been through everything together. Good times. Hard times. Happy times. Sad times. She is my mentor, my life coach, my friend. I go to her with every stupid problem in my life and she fixes it because that's just what Mum's do.



Every decision in my life (big or small), I continue to run past her because she is my voice of reason. For the times I can't see something clearly, she can.

 So thankyou Mum, for being you and loving me. I love you and am grateful for you every day xxx

Day 119 - Today I am grateful for....No Name Brands

I am currently hooking into a Coles Brand Chicken Risotto for dinner and it is delicious! I'm a little bit shocked. Not sure what I was expecting.

I guess you could say I've always been a no name kid though. Food, clothes, furniture. I didn't care when I was young and I certainly don't care now.

I grew up shopping at Target and a Big W - so what? They have good stuff! I like simple basic clothes that I can mix and match with. I've never been a trendsetter nor a trend follower. I wear what suits me and I feel good in. And I definately love love love a bargain!

I've never been able to justify (or get my head around) spending so much money on things, just to say that it was a Gucci whatever or a D & G whatever. Or similarly if it is Sportsgirl or Polo Ralph Lauren. Whatever. Aside from the fact that I can't afford it, who actually cares? I certainly don't.

And these days, the knock offs are so close to the originals, that I can't tell what's what!

I'll admit that when overseas I purchased a knock off Jimmy Choo handbag and various other knock-offs but at the end of the day, it's just a bit of a lark isn't it? Image is apparently, everything.

It is the same with furniture, electrical goods, food, clothes, sunglasses, homewares....and so the list goes on.

But who decided that expensive was better in every instance?

There is a big misconception in our world that if it costs more then it must be better quality. I disagree. There are some things that can be just as good quality and half the price. Other things, well you really do get what you pay for (ie my $30 DVD player that I purchased from Silly Sollys in 2004 that caught fire....hmmmm). That said, on the flipside, things are just simply not made like they used to be either. So it's a bit of a catch 22. Do you pay extra for something that will likely last as long as or be just as good as something half the price? Well, yes.....I do.

Look at food though - Home Brand (like Coles / Woolworths etc) staples like flour, rice, pasta, milk, bread, toilet paper, soap etc are all excellent. I'll admit that sometimes it can be a hit and miss kind of deal when it comes to things like sauces or microwave meals etc but the good old staples are just fine. They come out of the same factory, just a different label! Although, at Aldi, well I just don't know where their stuff comes from - most of it is God awful!

You know, so many times in my job, I marvel at the lack of quality in things nowadays too. For example, ovens. They just don't make them like they used to! Long gone are the days where you buy an oven and expect it will last you 20 years. Some don't even last 2 years. It's a shame. I guess that's the money making game. Things are made cheaply to trick you into having to come back again in a short amount of time.

I make no apologies for bargain hunting. If something looks nice on, tastes good or looks lovely in your home, then what does it matter where it came from and who cares what it costs?

Likewise, the times that you are expecting to pay more for something and you end up stumbling upon a bargain - how can you lose? Those are the best kind of surprises!

There is however, no such thing as a knock off diamond or knock off Manolo Blahnik shoes. Sorry boys but a diamond is a diamond and Manolo's are Manolo's. The End. There are just some things in life that cannot be compromised on :)

But my name is not Sarah Jessica Parker, and I'm not getting married any time soon, so today I'll just be grateful for being down to earth and loving my no name brands! Grateful.

Day 118 - Today I am grateful for....my new office

I totally decluttered my office on Sunday.

I'm feeling so virtuous, it's disgusting! ha ha

But honestly, I really needed a brighter space to work in. It was so bloody dark!

I'm getting back into my Interior Design course with gusto! But I needed to clear out my office so I can think.

So today, I'm grateful for my new office space and excited for the things I will achieve here.

Grateful!

Day 117 - Today I am grateful for....a new outlook

You know, it's funny what happens when you change your thinking.....The black cloud lifts, the mood lifts and ultimately your attitude lifts.

As I have mentioned previously, I'm not depressed. Bordering on sad maybe. Lost - yes. Frustrated - definately. Stressed - absolutely. Overtired - collosally. And it's all of these that makes a girls brain turn to mush. Oh the tears! The hysteria. The haze. Blah.

But honestly, enough is enough. So, today marked the start of some big things that I have planned for myself this year. There are so many things that I want to accomplish and things that I want to learn. I'm almost excited I think??

I won't say that I've made goals so much as plans. I always fail at reaching goals. Mostly because I make goals so unachievable that I set myself up to fail!

I believe baby steps are the way to go and I've made some big plans for myself.

There's a lot to be said for the things that sleep does for the body, soul and mind. I've been trying to get some rest and it's amazing how much clearer the world seems when you aren't wired for sound.

I think it's the rest that my poor little body had been lacking, that ultimately sent me crashing down in a big heap. And I recognise and acknowledge the things I need to do to make my life easier and better.

Long gone is the pining for someone else in my life to fill the hole that my beloved Husband left. You'll possibly note that I speak of him fondly at the moment. And that is because no matter how much I try to pretend that I am glad that he left, I'm not. I miss him terribly and what is the point in denying the feelings in my heart? There isn't any. And so, until I do finally get past the loss I feel, there is no point in holding onto / pretending a bitterness that really doesn't exist. The anger and hurt remain, but I have to feel it. And ultimately, I have to forgive myself. All the feelings really go hand in hand. And so I truly believe that in order for me to move forward, then I must feel what I feel and learn to live with it.

I refuse to pretend to be something or someone that I'm not. I will not be replacing or filling the hole that I feel in my heart with a 'fix it' man. I must learn and grow and discover. Only then will I know true happiness, within myself and with someone else.

I am going to finish my course, I am going to become a JP, I am going to learn sign language and I am going to do a photography course. I will be sorting out my house and clearing out the clutter. I will be working towards another overseas holiday. I will be spending more time at home and less time out. I will be eating healthier and attempting some exercise. I will be quitting smoking. I will be sorting out my garden and attempting to grow some flowers. I will be spending more time with my Mum and Dad. I will be working hard and being the best employee that I can be. I will be sleeping more and stressing less. I will be spending less and saving more. I will be doing things I want to do and learning to say no. In short (or long in this case) - I'm off to find myself.

So here I am, grateful for my new outlook on life. Grateful for sleep and a clear mind. Go me!

Day 105 - 116 - These days I was grateful for....learning Patience

Here we are again....long overdue for a grateful blog.

It's been a tough few days. My emotions have been all over the shop and I've really struggled to find something in my life to be thankful for.

So many people have said to me, get back to your blog and pull yourself together. And, well, they're right.

But I've lost my way & I've lost patience. Patience with friends, family, work, my pets and worst of all...myself.

I'm overtired and irritable. I've been horrible to be around and am snappy and short. I cry a lot and I'm not sleeping properly. I'm in a collosal amount of pain and I just don't feel like me.

I'm not depressed. I'm not angry. I'm not sad. I'm just not anything at all. An empty shell of my former amazingness.

But really, at the end of the day, the only one who can get me out of my rut is me.

And so today, after 12 days of sulking and feeling ungrateful, I got out there and did some things for me.

I cleaned my car and completely sorted my office. It's a small step towards sorting out my life.

Call it baby steps, call it whatever you like, but it's a start. There are many steps to go but I've made my first one and that's what counts. And a journey starts with one step.....

I feel a little bit more together and after a really good chat, spa and dinner with my friend Brendan tonight, I'm looking forward to tomorrow. I'm looking forward to some goals that I've made for myself and the new leaf which I'm turning over.

Miracles can take some time but I'll never see them and bask in the wonder of them if I continue to stick my head in the sand and hope it all goes away.

And as my Mad Doctor told me a few weeks ago, it's time for me to get a life. So....I will.

But for now and for today, I'm grateful for patience. I'm grateful for people being patient with me while I pull myself out my own self misery and I'm grateful to have learned some patience during this slight diversion from my ultimate grateful goal.

Grateful....again....finally :-)

Day 104 - Today I am grateful for....my winning scratchie!

I won $8 on a scratchie that I received for Christmas. Go me!

Meanwhile, I was down to my last couple of cents and was booked for a coffee date with Anzelle tonight....oh no! What to do? Oh yes, cash in my uber-awesome prize!

And thank goodness - it would have been awful to go for coffee and not have been able to actually afford a coffee. The shame of it!

My friend BK kindly took said scratchie to the newsagency to cash it for me this afternoon, bless her, she's so good to me :-)

So today, I'm grateful for my winning scratchie, my kind friend and for being able to afford a coffee xxx

Day 103 - Today I am grateful for....feeling special

Today was Valentines Day.

Normally, I am vehemently against all things "love" bound. Especially Valentines Day.

It's like a commercialised way of being punished and a very cruel reminder that you are a failure as a wife, girlfriend and woman. I hate it.

I wasn't looking forward to it at all.

Nothing says "ha ha, you're alone", more than the vomit-worthy explosion of roses, chocolate and hearts that adorn everything that you see in the month prior to February 14th.

In short, I would rather have crawled up in bed all day...alone.

But, rather I was uber-spoilt instead!!

Firstly, this was waiting for me on my desk this morning from my darling Karissa....

My very own cupcake and my fave coffee - what a treat. This girl knows me far too well :-)

Secondly, this awaited me when I got back from my lunch break from my gorgeous Georgie Girl....

A sexy man with my name on his undies and my favourite kind of flower....the red rose. Bless!

Then....the surprise of my life from a very dear old friend and my first love....

3 dozen red roses, a bear named Burt and a balloon. Words can't even describe it. I was shocked to say the least.

Then lastly, whilst enjoying my Valentine's dinner date with my girl, Ronnie, I received this....

A yummy chocolate rose....nom nom nom

It's been a really long time since I've been made to feel so special.

And it got me to thinking - who cares if I'm alone, in terms of a man in my life? Ultimately, it's the love of a friend that is unconditional. I have the most amazing friends in the world. The kind that would die rather than see me with a broken heart or a tear in my eye. The kind that will move mountains to make sure that I feel special on a day that would invariably render me catatonic.

So to those people who made me feel so special and loved and important today, thankyou from the bottom of my heart. And to the others who make me feel special and loved and important every other day, thankyou too. I love you x

Grateful.