There is something to be said for silence. Sometimes it is great to have a minute to yourself to take stock of what's important in life. You can get lost in your thoughts, plan for the day ahead, plan for the year ahead, hell you can plan the rest of your life if you want to, but it's time by yourself. You are not swayed by the opinion of anyone else or by a situation or circumstance. Call a spade a spade - silence is "you" time. Time to collect the thoughts in your brain and reassess. On the flip side, silence can be so loud it's deafening and lonely but frankly, you can't have one without the other. I've experienced both sides of that coin.
But as the months and years roll on and I get older, I've begun to appreciate time by myself so much more than I used to.
There was a time when I needed people around me all the time. I was literally incapable of being alone. My Mother would tell you it was because I didn't have a play pen as a child, so I never learnt to amuse myself. I would say it was because I love people. And I do, but she's still half right. I didn't like my own company (sometimes I still don't). I needed other people to validate my existence. Surely, if I was spending time with someone, then I must be OK? Rubbish. I'm fine. They spend time with me because I'm amazing of course, but I'm just as amazing on my own....
During my marriage, there were constantly people at my house. We were forever having dinners and parties. There were always people everywhere. I wish I'd known how much it had infuriated my Ex-Husband but I didn't until it was to late. In retrospect, I probably insisted on having people around because we really didn't have that much in common. Not his fault. Not mine. Our intellect was on different levels and we were not interested in the same things. One would say these insights might have been helpful before getting married, but cest le vie! What's done is done.
When he left, I had to learn to be by myself. And I did. I spent months by myself. I did things occasionally with people when I was forced to (by way of utterly deserved kick up bum by friends) but no one really darkened my doorstop for a long time. Apart from the fact that I was miserable to be around, I needed to recouperate and rest. I possibly would have stayed that way if it weren't for my Mother who told me I looked and behaved like a dead person. And she was right. I was. A part of me had died and I didn't want to exist in a world without my Husband in it. It took a long time to realise he wasn't coming back and I had some living to do. In whatever capacity I could manage it. The pain was there but the world continued to keep spinning and the sun continued to come up each day, often much to my dismay.
But now, after going through what I've been through, I truly value time alone. I've done so much soul searching in the last year that you'd think I'd have to be sick of myself soon, but I'm not. I genuinely enjoy my own company now and in fairness, I'm rarely alone really as my kids are never far away. I'm more than happy to plonk myself in front of the couch and watch TV in my PJ's. Who cares? I don't. I'll play on the computer or rest or read a book. Time alone is good for the soul.
That's not to say that I don't love people anymore, because I certainly do but I'm such a chatterbox that sometimes I wear myself out! But I'm with people all day, every day, so sometimes, it's nice to just be by myself. Just me. It's also nice to have come to the realisation as an adult that the world will still keep turning, no matter where I am or who I'm with.
So today, I'm grateful for time alone and me time. A place I never thought I'd actually be!
No comments:
Post a Comment