I felt a bit like Toowoomba - four seasons in one day. Every human emotion seemed to pass through me rapidly like the speed of light and I couldn't seem to keep up. One minute I was quietly crying to myself at my desk, and the next I was chuckling to myself about something funny.
It was a strange day.
Moreover I seemed to just say things without thinking.
Things just flew out of my mouth and I was agressive and impatient. I don't know if it was an extension of last night because that was just awful, or I just fell out of bed on the wrong side.
Either way, it was good to be able to have a little vent. I felt better.
Sometimes, a problem shared is a problem halved and often the heaviness in my heart is lifted once I say something out loud.
Take my weight for example. It's a really sore point. I'm totally loathing myself at the moment. And I can't articulate what it means for me. All I know is that I am so desperately afraid of ending up where I was before my Husband left, that by any means possible I will avoid it.
Whether it is rational or not, I believe that the way I looked was a factor in him leaving. I was not attractive to him, so of course he would look for someone else. It makes sense. The more weight I hold, the worse my Fibro is and the worse my mental state becomes. And here we are, heading down a road that I can't bear to go down again.
So I am choosing to take a sharp left at the random street before the end of this road that I know so well, because I know where the road goes. It leads to misery and heartbreak and I cannot go down there again. Who knows where the random street on the left goes, but here's hoping it's somewhere better than here.
And to my friends that I vented to today, thanks for listening and thanks for your patience. I love you.
Grateful x
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