When I stumbled across the brochure, I quickly passed it onto Karissa, Vicki & Megan - the three remaining brides to be for this year, who I am blessed to have been asked to be bridesmaid for.
It happened to fall on a Sunday which I had off and so we all ventured out.
Not everyone was able to make it (bridesmaid wise) but the brides did and that's the main thing.
It was a bitter sweet day for me.
I was so chuffed to look at my girlfriends and watch their brains ticking over at the endless possibilities for their perfect day. I watched them smile politely and chat and laugh and look and touch and breathe their special days. It was lovely.
I watched hundreds of girls file through the expo, and they were all so thrilled to be there. There were photographers and wedding dresses and cake makers and beauty therapists and musicians. It was a little bit overwhelming and I had wondered if it would bother me but it really didn't.
But there is the tiny little part of me that remains sad, no matter how hard I try to keep it at bay. That niggling little part in my brain that contains memories of happier times, and the question of if it will ever happen again for me?
I couldn't even tell you if there is hope in my heart at this point. It's still very much healing and so I choose not to even let my heart or my head go to that place for fear of continuing to try live a life that doesn't exist for me anymore.
I can honestly say that I am finally OK with wedding planning. It was hard at first but I'm getting used to it. It's not so much the in your face reminder of happiness and love that bothers me, as much as the in your face reminder of the loss of my actual marriage.
It would be fairly accurate to say that this is a difficult challenge that I have chosen to undertake this year but frankly, if there was another way to truly put my fears and pain to rest, then I can't think of one?I shouldn't be scared to share this time with my friends. I shouldn't be worried that they will notice if a flicker of pain crosses my heart. They are my friends. And they will love me anyway.
I loved every second of my wedding. I had everything that I wanted. It was a perfect and wonderful day. The only thing I would have obviously potentially changed, would have been who I married. Cest la vie.
For now, I choose to live vicariously through my girls. Their hope and excitement. The love that they share with their respective fiances. I know that they will have perfect days - each of them and I can't wait!
Grateful x
No comments:
Post a Comment