In fact, it's been a really long couple of months.
Most days it's a struggle to keep my eyes open, let alone remember my own name.
I'm tired. Really really tired.
I haven't been sleeping particularly well. I'm stressed at work and feeling quite stretched; physically, emotionally, financially, and logistically. I feel the overwhelming sensation that I'm not enough of a person for everyone. There is simply not enough of me to go around.
The Christmas Holidays have taken a toll on me emotionally and physically.
If I'm honest, I'm actually the saddest that I've been in a really long time. The ache of loneliness is neverending I guess and it just doesn't seem to go away. Memories are a killer and I often wonder when the day will come that I find peace.
I often look around at the people closest to me and I can't help but envy them. A deadly sin, but one that I can't control. I envy their happiness. I envy the love that they share. I envy their varying ability to let go of the small stuff. I envy their lifestyles. I envy their humour. The grass sometimes really does seem greener on the other side....
I understand that my happiness is something only I can control. I am also not so vain as to think that I am the only one in the world that has felt pain. Everyone has a sad story.
One day I will find contentment and love. I know that. I just don't know when. So I guess until then, all I can do is find a happy medium; a place where the pain is numb - there but not really there. Sleep is usually a good start.
Insomnia and I will not be friends forever. In fact, tonight I'm going to go to bed early, grateful for the sound of rain to put me to sleep. Grateful that I am warm and dry in my own comfortable bed. Alone yes, but so much more fortunate than lots of other people.
Grateful, grateful, grateful for so many things.
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