I'm grateful that my rational mind has taken over from my irrational thoughts.
I don't mean that as a derogatory comment, like that people with a mental illness are not of sound mind. That is not what I'm talking about at all and that is certainly not what I think. I'm talking about my situation and me conquering my problems. I'm not ashamed of having suffered a mental illness in my lifetime. In fact, I'm very open about the things that have happened to me because I believe that if I can help even one person by sharing my story, then that's one less person that has to wander aimlessly through the world wondering what on earth is wrong with them. I did that for a really long time. I have suffered severe depression on and off for most of my adult life. Fortunately, in my case, I beat the disease with some medical help but mainly my own sheer willpower and determination. I'm a lucky one.
So tonight, I decided I needed a little bit of closure in my life. I'm a little bit over wallowing in my own self pity. It's time I gave myself a bit of a slap up the side of the head, so to speak
My ex-Husband is moving OS with his new girlfriend and very soon I won't have to share the same town as him. For over a year now, I've avoided driving along certain areas of our town, just so I didn't drive past houses that I knew the very sight of, would cause pain in my heart. There was even a time that I wouldn't go to our local shopping centre or my favourite coffee house, in case I saw him and / or the new love in his life. I couldn't bear the thought of it.
But tonight, as I was picking up something from a girlfriends house, I thought "bugger it". I shouldn't feel afraid to drive past and I shouldn't have to drive a million miles out of my way to avoid it. So I did a double whammy, I drove past both my ex-family-in-laws house and my ex-Husbands house to get home. I'm no stalker, but sometimes, there just isn't a valid reason to go out of my way for something so seemingly minor. And you know what? I'm OK. I didn't feel the familiar lump in my throat and pain in my chest. I could breathe normally and my heart rate stayed at a decent pace. I was fine.
Which got me to thinking. I really actually have come so far.
Long gone are the tears and hysteria. Long gone is the irrational behaviour. Long gone are the obsessive phone calls. Long gone are the antidepressents, valium and sleeping tablet concoctions. Long gone are the sleepless nights and endless negative thoughts. Long gone are the horrific pictures that plagued my mind. Long gone are the seemingly never-ending conversations with friends and family about what I did wrong. Long gone are the times where there were no lights and no life in my home. Long gone is the 20kg that I put on while I was with him. Long gone is the bitterness, resentment and pain in my heart. I'm well. I may never be whole again but I'm well.
Everyone knows my sad story but I don't think anyone really knows how close to a mental collapse I was. Indeed, I'm sure that I did have a nervous breakdown, but it just didn't spell the end of me.
When my ex-Husband walked out of our marriage and our home, a part of me literally died. He would dispute that another woman was the reason and I guess in fairness, if he was blissfully happy, the infidelity would never have occurred. But it did. I felt sick to the stomach. The betrayal ate away at me and I was as close to death as I've ever been.
The list of things that I had done wrong (according to him), was as long as my arm. Each one was a twist of a rusty knife in my already broken heart. Half of them I felt that I could have fixed but I can't fix a secret. No one can surely be expected to fix something that they weren't aware was a problem! The other half were petty and frankly absolutely riduculous. I can't help that I speak with my hands (amongst other things) or use big words. It's a part of me! Geez.
My mental state was non-existent. I was as close to rock bottom as is humanly possible. I obsessed and obsessed over what I had done wrong. How could I make it right? How could I make him love me again? Was I all the horrible things he had told me I was? Why didn't I see it coming? Would he come home if I just changed this and this about myself? But at the end of the day, I had to finally admit, he was never coming home. It was a horrible realisation to come to and sometimes I even pinch myself to this day, just to make sure this isn't a really long and awful dream I've been having. It isn't. He's gone.
I hit breaking point and wound up on the floor in my office about a month or so after he left. I have no idea how I got there. All I know is that my Mum came and got me and we made an appointment for me to finally see someone. Those few hours are a black hole in my memory.
I credit my 'mad doctor' with helping me get well again. She made me realise that the negative thoughts in my head were not helpful (no kidding). I needed to let them go because this wasn't about me. It was about him. All I could change was me. I couldn't change him and I certainly couldn't change my situation. We were not meant to be. It was a long process but I got there in the end.
When the six month mark hit, which happened to fall on what would have been our 2 year anniversary, I didn't cry. I repeated over and over in my head that "that b*stard was only going to get 6 months of my time and my tears". And he did. It had been a really long 6 months though. I put my friends and family through Hell. Their hearts all broke right along with mine and I'm not proud of the person that I was during that time. It was torture. I was a miserable, mumbling mess. I'm surprised they didn't slap me. I'm sure they all wanted to at one point or another. And I would have deserved it. But that just goes to show you the level of support that I had during the darkest days of my life. Unconditional love and un-ending support. I'm so thankful to each and every one of them.
Yes, I have down days still. Yes, I have moments of disparity. Yes, I have moments where the world is bleak. But there is always a sunrise after each of those dark nights. And I'm still here....and of sound mind.
There was a fleeting moment tonight, of wanting to stop the car and knock on their doors and 12 months ago, I probably would have, but what would I have said? Then or now? There is nothing to say. There is too much water under the bridge and there has been too much pain caused. Why drag any of it up again? That's when it hit me, that I'm better than that. In fact, I'm better than better. I'm well. And the sweetest revenge is living well.
I have the perfect clarity about my situation now. I can logically see that I've dodged a bullet.
So for today at least, I'm very grateful for the realisation that, even though my Doctor says I'm better, I've personally realised that I actually am. And what a special place to be :-)
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