Day 28 - Today I am grateful for....A reality check

I received a very big slap in the face today.

Someone that I would never ever have expected would ever be cruel to me, was.

Amongst other things, they told me that they could understand why I was divorced, that I thought I was better than everyone else, that I frequently hopped on the pity wagon and worst of all....that I was shallow.

I'm mortified.

I'm happy to take constructive criticism, no problem. In fact I appreciate it. I am grateful for honesty and someone making me pull my head out of my a*se if the need arises. I honestly believe that it's good sometimes to hear honestly that you need polishing in particular areas. It's a learning process and I know for me personally, there are still many things for me to learn. I don't get things right all the time. It's about growing as a person and sometimes it's helpful to hear things about yourself, even if you don't like what you're hearing.

I do not think I'm perfect, by any stretch of the imagination. I'm human. I come with flaws. Lots of them.

I can be emotionally demanding, selfish, vain, opinionated, too organised and in fact, a collosal b*tch if I want to be. I can be intolerant and impatient. I can be moody and bossy. I can be anally retentive and obsessive. I can be boring and intolerable. I cry sometimes but yell rarely. That's not to say that there are things in life that don't push my buttons, because there certainly are, not the least of which is being patronised. I hate it. And it's then that you'll see the firey red headed side of me. But honestly, it's not often that I'm any of those things and I'm rarely more than one of them at a time. However, they are my flaws and I accept them.

I choose to believe that my good bits far outweigh the bad.

Likewise I do not think I am better than anyone else. And those who know and love me can confirm that. I'm the least judgemental person in the world. I'll happily talk to anyone. In fact, my Mother still to this day refuses to let me go to Thailand because she believes that someone will ask me to hold something, it will be drugs and I'll be thrown in a Thai jail and she'll never ever see me again. I'm not a bad person. Or at least I don't think I am.

I believe that you should always treat people the way you would like to be treated. I've been brought up that way and I choose to live my life that way. I am a good communicator and my expectations of people are high. Sometimes I am disappointed in life, but that does not mean that I would ever assume that I am better than anyone else. I'm just different.

I acknowledge that I feel sorry for myself and wallow in my own self pity occasionally. I would never want anyone to every experience the sadness that I have though and sometimes I need to get those feelings out of me. My nearest, dearest friends and my family put up with so much from me in the last 12 months. I have, at times, been unbearable to be around. I'm certainly not proud of those low times or the burdens that I placed on the people that I love but I've moved on from those sad times and fortunately come out the other end, alive and kicking. Stronger and less willing to be treated poorly. I don't think that it is a high expectation in life to be treated with respect.

So for someone to personally attack me, really saddens me and certainly sat me on my a*se today. It stung. I'm also blinded by anger, which doesn't happen often.

It's also given me a very big reality check. Am I those things that he spoke of?

Did I deserve somewhere, somehow for my Husband to have an affair, cheat on me, lie to me, break my heart and leave me? Probably not. But obviously I take some responsiblity for my part in it all, of course.

Do I behave in such a way that I give people the impression that I am better than them? I didn't think so but maybe I do.

Am I shallow? I may be a lot of things, but shallow would never be a word that I would ever use to describe myself. But again, maybe I can be?

So I guess today, I need to be grateful for hearing those things about myself. True or not, it has made me step back and take stock of myself, my life and the things I value. Are there things I need to learn? Absolutely. Are there things about myself that need polishing and changing? Of course. So, maybe I needed a reality check today, so that I can make the conscious decision to never behave in such a way that anyone would ever be able to call me on those things again. I want to be able to go to bed at night peacefully and without pain in my heart, and be able to know without a shadow of a doubt that I made a difference in someone's world today.

And indeed, today I am grateful for my reality check, good or bad....that's life.