Take it as you will but honestly, I'd really like my life to be simple. I don't want pain in my heart. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want the memories of love lost. I don't want to be treated poorly. I don't want to feel insignificant or lonely. I don't want to feel so empty inside all of the time because I'm so focused on helping other people, that I forget to take care of myself.
So I'm going to make sure that one of my New Years Resolutions, is just that. Simplify. Simplify. Simplify.
I don't need complications. Not in life. Not in love. Not in finance. Not in friendships. Not in health. Not in lifestyle. Not in ANYTHING. And really, the only person who can achieve that is me.
I want to be able to go to work, come home, give my kids a cuddle, do my blog, and go to bed - each day. I don't really care how boring that might sound to an outsider. I believe wholeheartedly that that is what I need, at least for a little while.
I'm tired of the drama that I create for myself. I'm tired of problems. I'm tired of being the person that everyone downloads on. I'm tired of worrying all the time. I'm tired of myself and who I am. I'm just tired. I want to enjoy my simple existence and learn from it. I need to get back to the basics and find myself again.
So often, my heart hurts for the people in my life. So many times, I wish I could take their pain away for them. So many times I wish I could fix every problem, every time. And sometimes I just can't. But there's no one to fix my problems. No one to take away my pain. No one to ask if I'm OK. In truth, I focus on other people's problems, so that I don't have to think about my own. I become so ensonced in people's lives that I forget to live my own. I've forgotten who I am. I'm not sure I ever really knew?
I very often feel like the worst Person / Friend / Daughter / Sister in the world. I try to please so many people, often all at once, that I end up letting someone down. I try very hard not to but it happens. I don't want to be that person. I try so hard to be that one person who makes a difference in someone's life, no matter how small, that I forget to make a difference in my own life. How can I possibly expect to be loved and nurtured when I don't love and care for myself?
I don't want to sound ungrateful for, or dismissive of, the countless special things in my life. I really don't. Because I am. I have a wonderful family and many amazing friends. I am employed and I own my own home. I have beautiful pets and I am healthy. But I believe that for me to truly appreciate what I do have, then I need to really take stock of what is important, and what just isn't. I need to learn how to not sweat the small stuff.
So, from here on in, I vow and declare that I will simplify my life. Perhaps if I step back a little bit, I'll find out who actually comes looking for me. I'll find out who actually cares about me and who doesn't. Perhaps it will be a hard lesson for me to learn? Will anyone come looking for me? We'll see. Either way, I'll hopefully find the me that was lost a really long time ago...
But for now, I'm pre-empting a grateful that I forsee in my immediate future. Simplicity. Sold.
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